SCIENTISTS ESTIMATE BY THE YEAR 2100 THE POLAR BEAR WILL BE EXTINCT
THE NORTH POLE IS WARMING UP TWICE AS FAST AS THE REST OF THE WORLD
THE 'CHICKEN' SERVED IN KFC IS NOT BIOLOGICALLY CHICKEN

"You tell me that I make no difference,
At least I'm f**king trying!

What the f**k have you done?"
Minor Threat 'In my eyes'

Why is it, when I present facts like those above (Climate Change, the evils of corporations, etc) to people face to face they always laugh it off and make fun of me? They always pretend they don't care, that their life of near-hedonism compared to those starving in Africa is what they wanted all along.

I mean, I'm no saint, but at least I give a damn. At least I'm doing what I can at the moment. Which I admit isn't much compared to the true hard working people of say, Amnesty International.

Is it so wrong to care in this world? Is it so wrong to be a pacifist? Is it so wrong to want to better yourself?

Fiona once said to me: 'Do you ever think you are too nice?'
No, I don't. If anything I'm not nice enough. Not nice enough to satisfy me.

This has created a great imbalance within the social circles I keep. On the one hand I am ridiculed almost every day by my friends, on the other hand I am looked up to by others, or regarded as an equal, one of the gang, a true friend. This seems to make my mind swirl, I get irritated by the smallest things in the accepting friends yet take hours of abuse from the others. I'm having difficulty. I've given up arguing or trying to change opinions because what is the point? I'm outnumbered, I'm outgunned by a nihilistic, capitalist, thunderdrome.

Even my facts fall down because people just say something (which, although aren't their real words) 'They just don't care'. People switch off.

But what do I want? All my friends to be like me? Whiny, whinging leftie pacifists who crumble before the might of peer pressure? Am I really that nice a person anyway? I have not right to judge them, yet they are allowed to judge me, they are allowed to weight and measure my worth!

People perhaps see it as depressing, saddening that these things are happening. Yes it is, but I like to think that the world is worth fighting for. I am not resigned to giving in. But I can't do this alone.

You are 'Silent Night'! You really enjoy
Christmas, and you like your Christmases
conventional. For you, Christmas is about
family and traditions, and you rather enjoy the
rituals of going to church at midnight and
turning off the lights before flaming the plum
pudding. Although you find Christmas shopping
frustrating, you like the excitement of
wrapping and hiding presents, and opening a
single door on the Advent Calendar each day.
You like the traditional carols, and probably
teach the children to sing along to them. More
than anyone else, you will probably actually
have a merry Christmas.


What Christmas Carol are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Not sure all of that applies but it's good enough. Thought I'd find a Christmasy one to put up on the blog :) (It's quite long so only do it if you've got a while).

So how am I? Well, I'm pretty good really, think I should get more work done before the end of term (and probably will if I'm honest). Soon enough I'll be back home with my Dad and brother, seeing my Mum and my mates as often as possible :)

My mates seem to be having a rough time still. I am trying to be there for all of them and for the first time in a while there is no worry about sincerity or it feeling like a burden. It is something I must do and I do it as best I can (I could do better actually).

Next year will begin in Egypt of course, so I won't be blogging again for a while. This year 'began' in Egypt as well but with a different style. This year has been most eventful and I've made some new friends and strengthened some old friendships I hope. I just don't believe people who say 'hasn't the time flown' because they do not see all the things they have done. I look at my diary burtsing with tickets and mementos from things I have done this year and I am happy. A year contains a lot and I mustn't forget that.

Oh, and it might not mean much to some but:
"God bless us, everyone."
A Christmas Carol

Peat.

You scored as alternative. You're partially respected for being an individual in a conformist world yet others take you as a radical. You have no place in society because you choose not to belong there - you're the luckiest of them all, even if your parents are completely ashamed of you. Just don't take drugs ok? alternative 67% Middle Class 62% Lower Class 50% Upper middle Class 46% Luxurious Upper Class 29% What Social Status are you? created with QuizFarm.com

Are creative juices finite? A random musing:

This is something I worry about on and off. Will I eventually run out of ideas? Will I simply re-hash the same material in a new context?

Is pouring my creative energies into roleplaying game scenarios ultimately going to to leave me with no ideas for myself? So that by the time I get around to writing films and books I will have no good ideas left? (And being a geek I hate repeating the same ideas, even if they have only been played out on the LARP circuit).

Or, is throwing my creative energies into everything I do challenging myself to create newer ideas? By using up the ones I have I will have no choice but to start afresh. Is it not better to give ideas to the RPG world, making your mates happy than to keep them to yourself for some pipe-dream that will maybe make you money someday?

I think I muse about things the wrong way. I claim to be new and original but that thinking clearly shows a materialist identity. I think the last point is probably my stance on this.

Another slice of my brain for ya folks!

A QUOTATION CHAIN
(Remember to sign the petition to help the workers!)

In my never ending search of cool quotes. Here is a good one I found in the album notes to Cult of Luna's 'The beyond'

"If we give up our liberty in the name of security, we will have neither."
Benjamin Franklin

Intreged by this man I did what any self-respecting student would do. I looked him up on the internet.

There, I found another quote:

"If you would not be forgotten,
As soon as you are dead and rotten,
Either write things worth reading
Or do the things worth the writing"

Ben Franklin did not fight like George Washington did but he carved out a nation in the rooms of government. He was involved in and signed both the Declaration of independence (1776) and the Constitution (1787).

"Well done is better than well said."

He also created bifocals, the lightning rod and saw the first hot air ballon flight in Paris.

Now, while the man may not be perfect, he did kinda create the 'American dream' but he stipulated that the only way to true wealth was through hard work (unlike the American dream these days).

Now, I know I'm known for my America bashing, but Ben Franklin shows me that America was supposed to be the land of the free, where 'all men are born equal' (How's that for a quote Dubya!?!).

And those that see the inevitavle fall of the American Empire in the distance will note that this should not have come to be. At least not in America. It used to be the 'New World' where we could 'go west' for freedom.

Where did it all go wrong? How can this horrible trend be reversed?

"But if thou dost love life,
Then do not squander time
For that's the stuff life is made of."
Ben Franklin

"Ten things I hate about you I've been asked to write down,
But I don't know if I can write that much,
Here's a warning from old friends,
to stay away from that girl, from that girl..."

Starrats 'Warning from old friends'

I could write about Fiona, but this seems more important.

PLEASE FORWARD WIDELY, POST TO LISTS AND DISCUSSIONS, AND LINK TO WEBSITES

***EMERGENCY APPEAL FROM NAOMI KLEIN TO SUPPORT THE ZANON WORKERS IN
PATAGONIA***

(Para versión en español ver abajo)
(La traduzione in italiana si trova giù)

Dear Friends,

We’re writing to ask your help in defending an inspiring and courageous workers’
struggle in Argentina.

The Zanon ceramic tile factory, a democratic, worker-run factory in Patagonia,
is facing a serious threat of eviction, and the workers have asked us to gather
international support for their struggle.

To sign the petition, please click here:
http://www.PetitionOnline.com/zanon/petition.html

And for more information, read on...

For those of you who have seen our documentary, The Take, the Zanon factory, and
Argentina’s wider movement of worker-run companies will be very familiar.

For those of you who haven’t, this new movement of some 15,000 workers in almost
200 democratic workplaces is building hope and a concrete economic alternative
in the rubble of Argentina’s disastrous experiment with orthodox neoliberalism
in the 1990s.

Recovered companies are run by assembly: one worker, one vote. In most of them,
workers have decided that everyone should receive the same salary. They are
proving the viability of an economy run on an entirely different value system,
and they are growing.

In the past year, Zanon has increased its workforce from 300 to 450: a 50%
increase. What multinational corporation or national government could boast of
such a dramatic rise in decent-paying employment in the middle of an economic
crisis?

And Zanon has cultivated a deep and mutual relationship with the surrounding
community. For 20 years, the poor neighbourhood of Nueva España, across the
highway from the factory, has been asking the provincial government for a health
clinic. Zanon workers took a vote earlier this year, and in 3 months built and
opened a brand new community health facility.

But now the provincial government is threatening to send in the Gendarmeria to
remove Zanon’s precious machines. This is an illegal order, since this force is
Federal, intended to police Argentina’s borders. On a second front, the Federal
judge presiding over the bankruptcy of the former owner is refusing to recognize
the Zanon workers’ co-operative (called FaSinPat – short for ‘Fabricas Sin
Patrones’, Factories Without Bosses.)

The former owner received millions in public subsidies, and still amassed a huge
debt and bankruptcy: he has since been removed from his own board of directors
for “accounting irregularities”. The workers’ co-operative, on the other hand,
is a major success: it is now producing 380,000 square meters of ceramic tiles a
month – a level of production higher than when the former owner closed the
factory - and the workers do it without the huge public subsidies (300,000 pesos
per month) that he used to receive.

The Zanon workers have told us that a massive international petition in support
of their struggle could make a key difference with the various levels of courts
and governments.

Zanon’s highly successful combination of direct action and direct democracy is a
precious example of that other world that is possible, that is growing before
our very eyes.

We urge you to sign the petition
http://www.PetitionOnline.com/zanon/petition.html
and do everything you can to encourage others to do the same.

Thank you for your time and support!

Avi Lewis and Naomi Klein

Still feeling pretty bummed so I'm not doing any work today. Just chilling then we're going out to a rock club later to rock out. Then Dragonmeet tommorrow which will be very cool I hope and I'll probably end up spending a lot of money.

Peat.

"You got nothing left, you ain't a man no more
you're outta control,
All those blues means you're gonna find out,
what it's like to lose your soul.
There gonna lay me out to rot a'right here. In some marshy swamp.
Tore up by the silver bullet, right through my heart."

John Spencer Blues Explosion. 'She said'

Well. Yeah.

I could rant, I could rage, I could pour my bleeding heart out, I could spead angst and existentialist sentiment across the internet, I could wail and howl and swear oaths, I could crawl under a rock, I could sing, I could never speak again, I could...

I don't know.

A misquote from 'The Sandman' which sums things up a little. The Sandman, being the anthropomorphic personification of 'dream' is described by Merv Pumpkinhead.

"Nah, he enjoys it. It's a pose y'know? He meets a girl, everything is great for a while then he loses her. Now most guys like you and me we say, well that's life....
But not him, he's got to be the noble figure standing in the rain, mourning the loss of his beloved. And the whole world get's dreams full of unrequited love and existentialist angst.

And we all get wet."

That's not an exact quote but you get the idea.

Don't really know what to say I guess.

I was debating my new found enthusiasum for my cause with a friend shortly after I last posted. He said:

"The only truely ethical way of living is to become a farmer." Jack Feintuck.

So perhaps 'The Promised land' as a farm is the best way to live after all. That means, that is still the goal my friends. But we must not be naive about it, it will be a lot of work. I hear stories of 16 hour days, up at dawn, etc. It's a tough life.

Unfortunately they don't sell farms on 'ebay' so I can't tell you how much one would cost. But they do sell a lot of farming equipment and manuals. But I probably wouldn't buy through that bloodthirsty corporation anyway :)

So anyway, the dream still lives on and the crusade begins.

To the barricades!

Peat.

RAGE TAKING OVER...




"I'm tired of losing myself to some childhood dream of what could have been.
Money calls the shots and I'm stuck between; Summer holidays and punk routine.

Rather be forgotten, than remembered for, giving in"
Refused: 'Summer holidays and Punk Routine'

INCOMING RANT: BEWARE PREACHY TONE
Calm down everyone, Peat hasn't lost the plot. I don't really get angry. Sometimes I get pissed off (as I'm sure you have read in the previous posts) but not truely angry.

Anyway, it's time to start my crusade I think. I went to see 'Les Miserables' on monday and it was AWESOME. Before you start rolling your eyes about musicals being crap and stuff you clearly haven't seen it. The songs are cool and it was very moving as well.

But my point is, part of the story is about some students reading their revolutionary books trying to start revolution (I am sure you are aware of an event called the 'French Revolution'). Anyway, there was such dignity there, such cameraderie and they are genuinely fighting for freedom. This was inspiring stuff and I longed for that kind of spirit. A Red flag waving in the sky, brothers in arms, etc. But I am not so naive to say I would like a battle to fight. But it is important to stand up for what you believe in.

Now, while revolutionary principles seemed to be frowned upon nowadays (at least in the circles I move in) that doesn't mean their points were any less valid. I personally beleive that the so called 'proof' that communism doesn't work isn't really proof at all, merely proof that power corrupts.

Besides, the rules have changed since Marx's days. Even Lenin's days. The enemy that is capitalism is much more subtle. 1984 given true and hidious flesh. It goes by the name of Consumerism and back when I was living in Fleet I thought is was something else. But this is a cunning and elusive enemy.

But even so, knowing this I could hardly lay down and give in. I could not look at myself if I didn't try to fight for what I believed in. But, being a confused twentysomething I wasn't sure what that was.

At least now I know more about what I fight against. There are, it would seem two ways to fight.
1. The Promised land- Our independent state over the rainbow where we can all be together and free. But as 'Refused' put it as I wrote above, this could be just a childhood dream. An idle hope construed through corporate propaganda, a disneyfied haven where we band together to pretend the world just isn't messed up.

2. Make a stand- Can you not hear it on the wind? Can you not see the masses standing up and proclaiming: 'We will no longer be slaves to a logo! We want to fight this corporate take-over of life itself! We are more than statistics designed to consume!'. But more and more, people want to know how.
I see it in music, film, books. I see it on the internet, more people wanting this to end. To not have our lives ruled by Corporations. It's not there yet, but it soon will be if we do nothing.

"The only thing evil needs to succeed if for good men to do nothing"
Edmund Burke

Of course, the opposite is everywhere, in music, films, televisions, books. It's almost all-pervasive. We have to fight it, fight it together.

The first step is information. Educate yourself on the evils of Corprations. Don't give me that crap that you don't care because I know deep down you do. It costs nothing to learn does it? It costs nothing to know the real story, both sides. To feel you understand rather than sit their confused about what is 'the truth' because so many corporations feed you so many lies. Yep, news networks as well.

Visit various websites to help with this:
www.thecorporation.com Helped me a lot. It's a good starting block for many other websites.

The second step is to start taking action. Start consuming against corporations, buy fair trade, organic, etc. I'm sure those hard working people of Peru need the money more than some CEO needs a porche.

The third step is to make sure we're all on the same page. That we work together so we can all buy fair trade, organic. What's good and what's not.

The fourth step, well I'm not sure. One step at a time fellas. Fight Club captured our spirit of oppression. We are free if only we realise it.

I did mean to get preachy and no I won't apologise for it. All I would ask is that you reflect upon it a little and visit the websites so you understand more.

Thank you.

IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

Feeling a lot better than yesterday. Possibly for two reasons, but I'm not sure how much I should write here.

I saw 'Finding Neverland' last night and (like probably everyone else in the cinema) I really identified with J.M. Barrie. I think he was on to something with the fact that we seem to grow up too fast. We are pressured to move from boys to men so fast, then we regret it when we do. All that responsibility...

To transcribe a part of 'Waynes World 2'
Jim Morrison: Being an adult is facing responsibilty but still taking the time out to party.

Wayne: Yeah, it's like coming home on a friday night and doing you're homework right away, so you're weekend is free to just party.

Jim Morrison: No, I like the way I put it better.

But I'm rambling. I was inspire by 'Finding Neverland' though to renew my effort to live everyday and not lose the spirit of adventure and joy that we had as children.

"We don't stop playing because we grow old.
We grow old when we stop playing."

To this day I do not know who said that. But it makes a lot of sense.

The other reason I'm feeling okay is that I have been gifted with a little bit of hope about Fiona once more. It's always in the last place you look.

As to yesterdays dilema. Russ and Steve have spoken to me and I respect what they think. The point is that I'm trying. It's the thought that counts. I'm trying to be the best Peat I can be and that counts for a lot. A lot more than I realised. Thanks guys ;)

Wolf ~ Wolves are also regarded as path finders
and teachers. Wolf is represented by the
constellation Sirius, the Dog.
In the Zuni tradition the Wolf symbolizes the
direction East.
Wolf's Wisdom Includes:

Facing the end of one's cycle with dignity and
courage

Death and rebirth

Spirit teaching

Guidance in dreams and meditations

Instinct linked with intelligence

Social and familial values

Outwitting enemies

Loyalty

Steadfastness

perseverance

Taking advantage of change

If you enjoy this quiz please rate, and I may do
some more!

src=http://www.othellobloke.co.uk/Nativemid/bravewarrior.mid>


Animal Spirit Guides ~ Which One Calls To You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I always knew it to be so. Okay, time for a big update.

I was planning to go on a big rant here but I don't have the...anger to do it. I feel calm and so not at all bothered by what I was going to rant about.

On another note, I feel bad for a mate of mine who's having a rough time recently. If only I didn't have my coursework to do I would have hung out with him today but alas I HAD to do the work today. I'm sorry dude, it's my own fault for leaving it until today.

LARP stuff that's getting me down right now:
1. The pressures of leading the Red Dragons is starting to get to me. The others say how they are having a rough time/going crazy/despairing and I kinda have to hold them altogether. Despite some tragic IC news. But it's just a game, we all know that I relish burdens and responsibility. Just so that I can crack later on and get attention from people.

I'm shallow like that. heh.

WARNING: SELFISHINESS IMMINENT IN NEXT PARAGRAPH. INCOMING RANT:
2. This is neither the time nor the place to mention this but after specifically telling a friend not to do something, they have gone and done it. I remember specifically telling them not to do it as well. For once I'm right about something. But, as I said, it's not the time to mention it. I'm just angry that, I'm waiting for this plot to get passed and then they stir it up so I have to put it all together again. What hurt was the way I was casually brushed aside as the ref running the plot 'he'll just make it part of his plot'. Justifying their freedom to mess around. After I specifically told them not to.

That was just a rant to get it off my chest. Now that I have the irritation has left me so it doesn't really matter. The plot moves on and I'll have fun sorting it out when it finally comes back to me. Or if it doesn't it's no longer my problem anyway! lol.

WARNING: HIGH LEVELS OF PRETENTION IN THE NEXT PART. READER DISCRETION ADVISED.
I feel like I'm failing people. As I may have mentioned before there seems to be a clash of things people tell me (and what I think).

1. I'm almost (if not already) a good person. A person with no major hangups, a person everyone can like, rely upon and can count on as a friend should they need me. I am also a banner bearer for the post-modern knights, hope has been placed in me for the future, by people I greatly respect and whom I don't want to let down. I have a dream of a promised land over the rainbow where we can live happily together. I want to live humbly with that dream in mind.

2. I'm failing. Failing in all the things above. I am a less good person, a person with MAJOR desire issues, a person more and more people DISLIKE, whom they can't rely upon because I'm always looking out for number one. I seem to be locked in some kind of 'selflessness' competition with Russ (who far outdoes me but my pride keeps me from doing things in an effort to seem as selfless as he). He trusts me and I cannot be there for him because I lack the basic decency a person needs to be his friend. I am guilty of all the things he finds repugnant (well, maybe not all, but most of them). I have failed to be a post modern knight because I lack the chivalry and honour which created this ideal in the first place. I should therefore give up and place my hopes as well upon Russ, who has the qualities I lack.

The only thing which I know is consistent is my dream. The promised land. But do I want to find it for the glory of friendship, or my own glory?

God, I hate myself.
God, I'm so sorry everyone.

(And so, the old school Peter returns. heh.)

You're like an angel. As everyone knows, angels
dwell in heaven. They were desribed as shining
ones wearing white and the idea that they have
wings is believed as well. Guardian angels are
the ones that many people think are dead loved
ones who try to protect the living friends or
family they have on Earth. They usually had
blonde hair and maybe brown with flawless
appearance and sweet dispositions. They were
cheerful, hopefull, selfless, loving, and kind.
Angels are the one mystical creature that a
majority of people truly believe in. Encounters
with angels are poping up all over the world
and reassuring people's beliefs in angels. (If
you cannot see the picture, go to my userpage
and look near the bottom. There should be the
picture and description for all the results)

What Mystical Creature Are You? (Pictures)
brought to you by

Gee, maybe I have finally made it to being the best Peat I could be :) Though of course I won't stop trying

For those alarmed by the last post, I'm feeling a lot better now. I spoke to Fiona last thursday and we did our usual 'talking but not saying what we really mean because we're afraid'. She said a lot of things which I shan't repeat here but have influenced my thoughts over the last weekend.

At first I thought I should give up, let it go as it wasn't meant to be. But that just seems to defeatist.

So I have made the desicion to fight for her. Because I really care for her. I may crash and burn, but if I do it will be because I tried. I fought for someone I cared about and she is worth fighting for. If I gave up now of course I would fail. 'Better to burn out than fade away' perhaps.

On another note, had a long conversation with Lex at the weekend about life, postmodern knights, the promised land and friendship. We drunkenly put the world to rights (yeah I know I'm straight edge but it was a LARP event, I had to drink!).

It seems a lot of faith has been placed in me by those who came before me (the 'founders' of this movement if you will). They did not have people to guide them as I do, they did not have the benefits of hindsight on their side and so they faultered. They lost hope and buckled to the pressures of the world and found faith in those who come after them.

Perhaps I shall faulter as well and find faith in one who comes after me. You know who you are because you remind me of a younger me (as I remind Lex of a younger him). Perhaps I shall find another when my hope fades and I no longer dream of charging over the horizon to the promised land.

But I shall not faulter. I cannot. Everything I feel about this is summed up in that Tennyson quote. There is not more I can add to it.

Or maybe I think too much.

Peat.

I

felt

cold

at first.

It was like my heart had been drenched in ice cold water. It dripped down into my stomach. I walked away from the house with this ice packed soul within me. I couldn't face going home so I walked up the track to the 'railway gardens' on Green lanes. I needed a walk, I needed to clear my head. I needed trees and grass and solitude. I turned the corner and walked past the hut where the grounds keeper worked.

"Sorry, I'm about to close the gates," he said as he stepped out.
"That's okay," I said faking a smile, perhaps I was a bit amused by the situation, "I'll head back out."

Back on Green Lanes I walked home, ate a lot of chocolate, watched Futurama, went round my mates house. All the while my heart beating with pain I laughed and joked. Maybe I forgot what was hurting me for a moment or two.

I can't sleep properly these days. Can't seem to stop thinking about her.

Ironically enough, the bass guitar she gave me is the only thing which can actually quieten my mind and make me relax. It's theraputic. But then I think of her who gave me this axe and get hit in the chest again.

I don't know what hurts more; my broken heart, the sense that she actually does feel for me but she denies it or the fact that the people who told me to give up are laughing at my right now.

Yeah, I was wrong. I was wrong. You were right. I'm always wrong and you were right and yeah I got hurt again.

But this time it's different. This time it really, really hurts.

I don't know if I should give up or fight for her. I think she's worth fighting for and that I could maybe save her. From herself. That she fears the unknown and so has gone back to HIM, als0 denying her feelings for me which I KNOW she has. I could persue her, show my devotion like the post-modern knight I am. Free her from her fears. I have enough courage for both of us because I believe it is worth fighting for. That she is worth the chance.

Or do I just THINK she has feelings for me? Or do I just think too much? Shall I just return to the dark, never again to rear my monstrous visage into the light? Shall I take this freezing, bleeding heart and lock it up again? Put it back in it's forbidden cage and throw away the key.

Not sure I should post any of this as everyone else seems to be on the upswing. Bailey's new girlfriend for one (you dawg you! :) ). Maybe it isn't over either and it's too soon to tell.

But here is where I bear my soul and if you've read it then you know my heart right now at this moment.

To misquote Futurama:
"You read it, you can't unread it!"

Peat.

You're Jack! "I am the Pumpkin King!" and
yes you are. Although you have the fame and
fortune, you are not happy. You go and try to
find yourself but in cost of Christmas. In the
end everything is peachy keen and we still love
you.

Which Nightmare Before Christmas Character are you?
brought to you by
Peat.
Piecing together life, piece by piece...

I amNyarlathotep! The 999 forms of Nyarlathotep are a point of meditation for the true initiate. It is through these manifold faces that the secrets of the universe are made known. Called "The Crawling Chaos", Nyarlathotep is the disembodied ego of Azathoth and thus the universal "I" of known reality. Some of the many documented forms are; Father of Knives, Nephren-Ka, the Black Man, the Beast of the Lashing Tongue to name a few.

Which Great Old One are you?

LEAST I COULD DO...


Pass along this small tribute, copy this code.

It doesn't seem right that he has gone at such an early age. I can still hear his voice in my head, crystal clear. As soon as I'd heard two things flashed through my mind:

1. 'He'd have wanted to go that way.' Only joking John, but I do recall that conversation on Room 101 he had with Paul Merton about mortality and how he didn't want to die bending down to pick up something or trying to read the sleave notes of a cassette whist driving a car. And for someone to say of it, 'he'd have wanted to go that way'. But on holiday, with his family, maybe that's a better way to go.

2. I recalled just how short and fragile life is. Songs have also been telling me this:
'You held the world in your arms' for example. How short life is and how it is important to 'carpe diem'.

So here's another meme:


Paladin

Which Diablo character are you?
brought to you by

BACK DOWN TO EARTH

Today's rant is about Gossipmongers and those who spread rumour and lies.

After another tender moment with Fiona my friend Steffi comes over to doomsay the whole thing. What does she know about it? Nothing!!! All she's going on is hearsay and conjecture, just because SHE hasn't seen the way Fiona looks at me, touches my hand, the kiss I got doesn't mean they didn't happen!
(Sigh)
I know she's trying to stop me from getting hurt but she's making a big deal out of something which will make me fail if a big deal is made of it. I shouldn't have got angry with Steffi but I worry that she's going to break my privacy and then everyone will know and that will just make me spin out. I know I talk about it here but this is were I bear my soul, whomever reads this sees it as it is.

What did I tell her? What did I ask her to do two weeks ago you ask?
'Just be cool'. That is all I asked. Three words, just be cool, because if you're not cool then I go crazy and spin out, RUINING EVERYTHING.

And I don't want to ruin everything. This is important to me because I really like Fiona.

I like Fiona because she is both strong and tender. She has had a rough time which has made her independent and strong. She has the courage to go where she wants (heck, she had the courage to show she likes me despite the fact I am clearly mental). She is tender in the fact that underneath her exterior she has a depth which I can see knows few bounds, empathy, caring, understanding. It's all in her big blue eyes and it...

#feels like lightning running through my veins when she looks at me that way...#
(Ahem) Sorry, but it does. Last year I was lost and crazy, she was also hurt and alone. We didn't get together and to be honest, I wouldn't want THAT me being with her. I moved on, now it's like falling for her all over again. I don't want to ruin this because she needs something reliable, dependable in her life and that's what I want to be.

I'm sorry Steffi, but you see know why it's important you stay cool. I am sorry, don't make this trust I place in you (and whoemver else reads this) be unfounded.

I think maybe Bailey is having a similar time. Well I'm here for you buddy. Don't overanalyse it, self-analyse by all means but remember, you can't self-analyse others. So just be cool, these things work out how they work out. Karma, cause and effect and so on. Just be yourself, ultimatley (I sound like Lex sometimes) that is all we can ever be.

Peat.

At the risk of rubbing people's faces in my good fortune, I shall quickly post to say that yesterday signifies the beginning of a new era. A new era of serious rockage, good times and the quest for the promised land.

Imagine, if you will, that I and my closest mates form a brotherhood of post-modern knights. We hold sway at the court of Camelot, we quest for truth, justice and always aid one another and the weak. We follow the rules of chivalry and courtly love (well kinda). We all work differently but are united by fate.

I sense change in many of our lives, this changes shall make us harder, better, faster, stronger (in the words of Daft Punk) if we choose to see them as change for the better, as opportunities not endings.

Yesterday, I was gifted with a weapon my brothers; a bass guitar, black like the night. I was gifted this by a fair damsel whom, if you will permit me, I am quite taken with and whom I believe is taken with me.

My brothers in arms, I salute you, my band is now formed, we step forth today upon the founding of a new realm. My band shall be (almost literally) the ROCK upon which we shall build our keep.

A toast therefore my noble brethren, Bailey, Russ, Lex, Stu, Dan, Louise and any others to whom I have fellowship in the code of chivalry. To the future and the fellowship.

Peat.
For the uninitiated; Yesterday was a very cool day, was given a 'Marvel Heroes chess set', got my bass guitar and from the goofy smile on my face, things are looking up in the romance department. Hyuk yuk yuk.

THE RING OF THE RAMALAMUNGERLIED

So things begin anew and afresh. I'm feeling a lot better, my cold is slowly leaving me and I can actually be enthused about things again!

Let's retread the familiar threads:

1) Ladies:
Having gotten closure with Emily I think I understand where I went wrong with Fiona. I went mental. Simple you might say but at the time... Okay so I was an idiot! What do you want from me!?! ;)

Instead of actually trying to go out with her I just went mad, convincing myself I couldn't have her. To appreciate this fully; In my subconscious; love, attraction, etc are mixed up with longing and perhaps a sense of 'forbidden'. I think this all stems from early crushes and the like on girls I couldn't have at school/6th form (because they had boyfriends, didn't fancy me, etc).

Still with me? To summarise, I like girls I can't have and even when I can have them my mind creates reasons for why I can't have them to try to produce this angst-ridden longing I seem to be so fond of. 'The Peat Melodrama' as some call it.

As for Fiona, I like her but at the time when I first got to know her she had split up with her boyfriend and was in a bad way. I felt I couldn't approach her so I started acting up in other ways (I may have mentioned before about the time I set fire to myself = angst, attention seeking, etc). Ever since I think she has been afraid of me, afraid of my mind, that I could do something crazy but she has expressed some interest.

Then, last night on the bus home I had this revelation. Of course she wasn't attracted to a sad, puppy-love, angst ridden maniac! Why didn't I just be the cool, fun loving, post-modern knight? So, she gets off the bus a few stops before me. I give her a big smile and a gun point. She smiles back in a way I've never seen her do to me before, a cheeky wrinkling of the nose and the cutest grin ever.

Now maybe I'm making too much of this one incident but I think it shows in microcosm what my point is. We act differently around one another when we were both angsty. Her smiles were ones of pity or fear. That one was different. This could be the turning point, not in a romantic sense but in a sense of friendship. And that is one I look forward to.

2) Bailey mentions the Promised Land in his blog, which only goes further to illustrate my point that there is somewhere over the rainbow which is calling to some of us (I know what you mean about the rain :) ). It's kinda like a farm I guess, but what's more important is the feeling you have when you are there. Awe at the beauty and joy at being with your mates are the main ones methinks. Maybe a house together would be cool. It's at least a step towards a community. I am troubled by the amount of evil corporations and governments do. Is one way to be free to remove ourselves from all that? To set up our own realm where people can come and be free?

I read a review of 'The Corporation'. It looks really good and damning of corporations but apparently offers no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel. The reviewer summed it up by saying,

"In the sixties, they thought they could change the world, at this rate we'll be lucky if we can save it."

We can save the world my friends. The promised land is out there somewhere.

Peat.
To strive, to seek, to find and not to yield

STAY ON TARGET...

Illness yesterday kept me from keeping the two appointments I had to go to. I had to meet my personal tutor and go to a dissertation meeting. Neither one it seems was world shatteringly important but not an great start to the term and a poor first impression for my new Personal tutor. Oh well!

Had the first meeting of Gamesoc yesterday which went okay, despite yet again loosing the only potential female member in the first session. So many sign up at Freshers fayre and so few make it even to the first session (sigh). I had to battle my illness and the fact that I hate public speaking. But it was okay, I get to run a Vietnam-cthulhu game which should be fun. Luckily, John (who writes the blog on my links) is helping me out being a war-studies student he knows about Vietnam so it can be authentic...like. Anyway, going to brain-storm it tonight.

In other news, I may be starting a band with Dan (acoustic guitar), Jeremy (Jazz guitar), Abinav (drums) and me (Bass). Our influences will include 'I am Kloot' and possibly intrumental jazz/blues stuff (I was listening to the Peter Gunn theme tune last night and remebered how cool it is!). Maybe one day we'll support the 'Starrats' (Lex and Stu's band). Speaking of which, already done some footage for the video for that which should be cool. Rock 'n' roll.

As for Ladies, got some closure with Emily which is good. I think I'm ready to completely move on now which is cool. I always had the thought of hope in the back of my mind somewhere that we could be together someday, now I know that won't happen. So I can move on.

That's about all really, maybe going to visit Lex and Stu this weekend before Fools and heroes with Russ (who writes another blog (see links).

Take care of yourselves, and each other

Peat.

Just posted a long thread about Emily. But the STUPID Blogger lost it in the ether. It explained everything, but now I'll have to summarise it because I can't write it all again.

Emily and I get together last summer. But she goes home to see her boyfriend (I can't tell you why, but I don't like him...much). She stays with him. I pine over her over the summer.

We come back to year 2, having been consoled by my mates that I can be with her. I get lost in angst and fail to win fair lady's heart. We meet up again before the end of term and I remember how lovely she is.

This summer I decide to go 'cold turkey' so she'll be out of my system by year 3.

Today I feel the plucking of heartstrings as I see her again. But is this the longing, or the echoes of pain that for a while I saw someone I could love in her big brown eyes but now I can't have her?

In summation, I should give up. But the lesson I learn is that the next girl I'm with I shall treat like a Princess and be a post-modern knight. I don't really know why. It just seems like the best thing to do.

I think that should be the last word on the Emily saga.

Peat.

THE RIGHT THING TO DO?
Sorry I haven't posted for a while. Busy, blah, blah, blah.
Mainly quotes today that I feel should be on here if they aren't already:

'Do not judge a man until you have walked a mile in his mocassins' Native indian saying

'What is the right thing to do? That which helps, not which harms.' Buddha

'Come my friends, tis not to late to see a different world,
And sitting well in order smite, the sounding furrows
for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths of all western stars
until I die.
It may be that the gulfs shall wash us down,
It may be we shall touch the happy isles
And see the great Achillies, whom we knew
Though we are not now that strength which, in ancient times
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are.
One equal temper of heroic hearts, made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield'

Tennyson.

Stay cool and should you need me, you know where I am.

Peat.

A DREAM

Last night, I say night when what I mean is at about 11am when I get up. I had a dream.

In this dream, I had wings. I wasn't an angel as such but I did inhabit a world of beauty, clouds and things. I may have been an angel but the point of the dream wasn't flaming swords and falling demons.

I flew downwards and spotted another angel, a woman. A strange ethereal music was drifting through the air, to which she was flying and dancing. She was the most beautiful thing I had seen. Her hair was golden and it followed her like she was underwater. She caught my eye and continued to dance.

I flew closer and we flew around on another, dancing and flying together. We landed on a nearby cloud. She smiled at me and said:

"Though we are not now that strength which in ancient times,"
And I finished for her,
"Moved earth and heaven. That which we are, we are."

Then I stroked her cheek with my hand and I woke up.

I know it was a dream but it was one of the most beautiful and magical things to happen to me. Not only that but I was torn from that world by reality. I saw her face fade to black before my eyes and then I opened them. Heartbreaking.

I don't know if there's anything else to say.

Stay cool,

Peat.

THE PROMISED LAND

Hello again. I haven't posted for a while. With all the other stuff I have to do I don't really get the time. Plus more people read my Livejournal anyway so I don't really feel the need to write much here anymore. Unless of course it is to bear my soul.

Here's the deal. Aside from Chin's death there is really only a few things I keep REALLY close to my chest. The casual fancies (not the year long obsession, apologies to all involved) stay pretty close to the surface. Buddha likened our souls to lakes. Little stuff bothers the surface but only the really heavy stuff moved the bottom around.

Right down at the bottom of the lake is The Promised land. Which here I shall explain.

I explained this to a close friend whilst drunk once and was delighted that, despite their cynicism, they agreed with me. I read a poem in Lex's car (although he wouldn't tell me who it was by) which could have been written about the promised land.

My friend and I jokingly called it The Promised land, but it could have many names. One I would use would be 'Faere'. As described in 'Smith of Wooton Major' in 'Tales from the Perilous realm' by JRR Tolkien.

It is the place 'over the rainbow' where we can be free and happy. I can't describe it. That feeling that there must be something MORE, something BETTER out there for us. It's not a holiday or something but a place and a feeling. That feeling of longing for somewhere which isn't home but feels like home. I sometimes find myself saying ' I want to go home' when I don't really or I AM home!

That place in the Shawshank Redemption, far away, where Tim Robbin's wants to go.

It's not power or glory or anything like that. It's watching the sunset, strolling through forests, looking out over golden fields. That moment when you catch your breath whilst looking up at the clouds, mesmerised by the beauty. That moment where you think maybe, just maybe if you hold onto it you'll understand it all, you'll see God or know the meaning of it all.

That's what the Promised Land feels like.

I said once that maybe I would dedicate my life to finding it. Maybe I will, but I don't know where to start. I also said that if I couldn't find it, or it didn't exist I would FOUND it.

I would call it 'Escape' and it would be a farm and commune where we could live in harmony with nature. You're all welcome to come, if you feel that calling to somewhere else.

"It may be the gulfs will wash us down,
It may be that we will touch to happy isles
And meet Achillies, whom we knew.
It is true we are not now the strength which,
In ancient times moved heaven and earth,
But what we are, we are.

To strive, to seek, to find and not to yield."
Tennyson
(One day I'll put the full quote up. It's much better than the bits I can remember)

Peat.

APOLOGIES

Okay, I was harsh yesterday and for that I give my apologies. I'm not going to take back what I said, but I could have said it differently. For that I am repentant.

Just read John's blog/essay and he seems to be having a hard time with all these women surrounding him (lucky git). One of the Ladies he mentioned is Laura, proof that most guys who do LARP fancy her. That kind of pressure must be tough for her. Or perhaps she is so wonderfully innocent that she doesn't see all that. In which case I might get to know her better, then decide if we get on.

I must admit though, I've lived through the heartache of not having a girl, sometimes it pays to be single.

It doesn't pay much I'll grant you.

Anyway, gotta go and see 'The Village' despite some git ruining the ending for me I hope it will be cool and atmospheric.

Take care,

Peat.

Peat, begin again.

Okay, here's where I bear my soul. A few people have said this is a brave move. Here we go:

Not too bad now.

Only joking, my life would never be that simple would it? Running through my mind then:

1. Romance: There is a lack of any females on the horizon so in a way it's a good thing that Kiera Knightley could step into my life unchallenged, but seeing my mates tonight getting a great deal of attention from ladies I must say I miss the excitement of the chase. Even though I get scared, but I guess we all get scared. When I get back to Uni, I'm sure things will continue and when I'm least expecting it, BANG. There it is. Hope, yes, that's what it feels like.

2. Betrayal: For perhaps the last time a friend of mine has let me down. Despite everything they didn't turn up where they said they would. I wouldn't mind so much but they were letting down not just me but other people. It broke my heart and I'm not sure I can speak to them again. Sounds horrid and I don't like the feeling but there it is... Not sure I can forgive this one after so many times they've done it before.

3. Friendship: This is going to sound even more harsh but I've realised this holiday that the majority of friends at uni I don't like that much. People repeatedly dig at my beliefs in vegetarianism, pacifism and buddhism and I'm sick of it. I'm tired of taking their jokes (which ordinarily I wouldn't mind but the sheer amount has finally gotten to me). I'm tired of being like a non-person to them. A punching bag and an emotional sponge. I care about them, listen to their problems without ridicule only to have them dig at my problems constantly.

I have a hard enough time in the urban jungle as it is, trying to carve happiness out of stone and concrete without people bringing me down with morals about no-hope, no-fun, no beauty.

To quote Minor threat:
"You say you can't change the world,
At least I'm f*cking trying,
What the f*ck have you done?"

Now, don't get the impression that I'm going to rage at you all. This is just something I had to get off my chest. Don't get the idea that it's EVERYBODY I know at uni because it's not, but those ones I know have good hearts I can't get to because of all the sh*t I get and the barriers we put up to protect ourselves from the concrete jungle.

This year will be different.

Rant over.

Take care, just had to say it.

Peat.

CAN YOU HEAR ME MAJOR TOM?

To be honest, I never did and probably never will know who reads this blog. I suppose I'll keep it going as where I bear my soul to the world as opposed to my livejournal which has a more 'people actually read this and can comment on it at any time' vibe.

Also, here I can bear my soul without a great idea of who will read it. If my mates find it and read it, good for them, they understand my mad mind that little bit better, if they don't it doesn't really matter. On my Live journal the people there don't know me so well and I don't know them so well. It's scary...

If I was a better buddhist, would I bear my soul there as well? Perhaps this is another lesson in 'Right speech', what to say, when, where and to whom. So I was just being over analytical, and trying to decide to end this blog I hardly write on anymore.

I don't think I shall for the reasons explained above. This is where I shall just say what I want and not care if people read it. I guess I don't know if people still read. Anybody and everybody could read. I should just blurt out whatever I'm feeling.

Emily, I still care for you.

There, I said it. Now I shan't delete it. This is my soul on the internet and badda bing badda bang I've bore it. Oh well.

Take care,

Peat.

Of other people's computers and stuff...

I reall should get my own computer, now I'm writing on Bailey's and he's not even here! (Jeez, I'm a real embarressment :( ). I suppose I'm blessed by having mates who put up with me long enough to let me use their computers (or do stuff for them, that's it ya hear me ya lazy bums! Joking! Don't hurt me...)

Stuff:
Went to see 'Spider-man 2' last night, what an awesome film! I think the critics are probably right in saying it's better than the original. But what heartache! Gah, I would have cracked long before he did! The Spider-man franchise has always held something more than other comics for me, the angst about not being able to tell MJ how much he loves her, the 'power and responsibility' hook resonates in real life I find. Being aware of such an important ethic is useful.

ANYWAY

The point is that when I watched Spider-man 2 last night I almost felt like it was me up there (plus Tobey Maguire kinda looks like me, aside from the fact he has blue eyes as opposed to my brown eyes). I really emphasised with the character and not just because he has the same name as me (did ya miss my pretentious side? Its back with avengeance now he he). The point is, despite all the pain and suffering Peter Parker goes though it's all worth it. It has a big pay off at the end. I can only hope the pay-off at the end of my particular journey is so...well you know what I mean.

Yep, still single.

Rock on,

Peat Parker

ZOMBIES!!!

The sound of a shotgun blast, the groan of the shambling zombie, the hurried yells and running, the barricading of doors and the smashing of zombie brains with a cricket bat. Marvellous.

Sorry, just set up another fictional livejournal all about zombies and how me and my two buddies (Stu and Lex) fight and survive a zombie invasion. Could be fun, could be lame and no one writes or reads it.

Take care and stay cool,

Peat.

Took a 'Which roleplay stereotype are you? quiz. Look what came up! (Well, it's better than Hitler...)






Find your Role-PlayingStereotype at mutedfaith.com.

Then found this one on Stu's live journal.

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	breath taking
Your hugs are...	to die for
Your eyes...	twinkle in the moonlight
Your touch is...	the only thing I desire
Your smell is...	amazing
Your smile is...	encouraging
Your love is...	everlasting
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Wow eh? Guess I'm irresistable. Am I blushing? I'm single ladies! Chivalrous, honourable, romantic. All of the above? I'll have to let you decide that one...
Hyuk yuk yuk ;)

In other news, Stu/Shanks has persuaded me to start a Livejournal which will cover the area of my life certain other friends may know about. Or something. Have faith loyal reader, this Blog is still my number one priority (I'll just rip off cool ideas from Stu and post them here like I do with Tom. I mean... nuffin!!!)

Take care,

Peat
(Disclaimer: No I didn't try all different versions of my name to get the one which I liked best. That was my first and only time. Peat.)

Productivity

I am determined this summer is going to be worth me not getting a job. That I would have so many other projects going on that a job would get in the way. Well, I've had my break, now is the time of prolific imaginings!

My screenplays are coming along, I think I'm slowly getting better. I've also requested a brochure for the New York Film acadamy (but would study film making in London). It would be awesome to make films, the course does look very impressive, but I'd have to get another loan or something to pay for it. Difficult.

When I get more regular writing time things will come on in great bounds I think. I think I want to be a writer really, live in a big house in the country where I don't look out the back window and see another house, but fields. I imagine I've gone on about this before, but heck I guess it's integral to my being. I tell stories!

Take care,

Peat.

Broken heroes

Due to the nature of my life I'm yet again sitting at someone else's computer writing my blog. It's been a while I'll admit and I can't possibly sum up everything I've done since I last posted.

I suppose the most relevant thing to put would be that I definitely feel that I am 'walking the walk' as well as 'talking the talk'. My disposition is slowly becoming more caring than ever. Not to say I don't get angry or frustrated at times but in general I'm getting there.

My faith in people's sense of adventure took a beating last weekend. Despite strange clues being placed on doorsteps, free chocolate and a treasure hunt being set up, my friends couldn't be arsed to solve the mystery given to them. I didn't get a clue, or chocolate so I couldn't help (against the rules). If only an adventure would be left at my door...

Never mind.

Broken heroes is also the feeling that perhaps 'stuff of epic' heroes like my friends and I are doomed to be rejected, or worse get the girl and lose her. Is our sense of romance and adventure misplaced in the modern world?

As they say in 'American History X', always finish an essay on a quote, because chances are someone has already said it better than you before now.

"People say that romance is dead, that the time of Chivalry is past, but the time of chivalry is never past as long as there are problems undressed in this world."
Kingsley

Take care,

Peat.

Hello again!  Here is a random posting while I am on a computer.  When I get a longer go I'll post something relevant.  Until then, here was my result to the 'Which famous film are you?' quiz.

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Strangely there is a 'Which famous leader are you?' quiz.  I took that one as well and came out as Hitler...
Wonder what that means...

Take care all.

Peat.

BACK IN THE USSR

Phew! Exams are over and I've just spent the last two weeks at home and in various places playing LARP. This lifestyle will probably continue until I manage to find a summer job. (Not that I'm trying too hard of course :) ).

Now is the time for conviction about the projects I wish to do over the summer. I've just finished writing a short play which me and some mates intend to perform at Summerfest (a LARP festival in August) which no doubt will be very scary.

I need to keep writing, but that involves having a computer, which of course I don't have (hence the sporadic posting on this blog).

Listening seems to have been the most recent moral topic I've written about so I'll make some more remarks on it. What troubles me is listening to people when you don't agree with them, their conversation seems to be just a string of anecdotes about how great they are or you don't really want to talk to them (as I experienced the other night when I was left alone with me ex-girlfriend). Now, don't get the idea that I don't like these people because I do (my ex less perhaps) and don't get the idea that this is everyone I know because it's not. But what can I say to these people?

If I don't agree I normally just smile and nod as if I've taken in what they say. Often I chalk this up to the fact that they probably know more about what they just said than I do. But when I smile and nod I feel like I'm being false. I should say what I think and create a discussion I suppose but some people are so strong in their convictions I get scared.

What troubles me at the moment is the people who are constantly 'bigging themselves up'. This happens a lot around LARPers of a certain type. I like to tell stories about LARP that entertain or make them in awe of the fantasy world. I like to tell stories of companionship, the heroics of others (being a coward I have few stories of my own heroism (But I have a few)). But these people like to tell stories of their exploits. Nothing wrong with that you may think but these stories seem to only emphasise how great they are, how powerful they are or will be and how the villains will pay when they are. (This isn't just restricted to LARP however, I've expereinced this with other people as well). I don't to make them feel superior and wonderful but I also don't want to make them feel that I'm not happy for them when they achieve their goals. We all like to succeed.

But, as ever, what is the solution?

Obviously I can't stop people saying what they want, but I think I can be more receptive to what they say. I should speak my mind but be careful in the way I phrase my opinions so as not to hurt the person whose view may be contrary to me own. There is obviously a reason for why people praise themselves for LARP or other stuff. They probably just want recognistion. Still thinking of a way to congratulate them without them slipping into arrogance (how hypocritical, as if my opinion matters that much!). As to people who I don't really want to talk to, I don't see that I can do much more than try and be as polite as appropriate to the situation.

Take care and no doubt if I haven't seen you recently I'll see you soon!

Peat.

'It's the tool of the devil I tells ya!'

Again, apologies for not posting for a while, but exams keep me pretty busy!

Again, apologies for ripping off other people's ideas but my sheer joy at the fact that according to the gematriculator

This site is, wait for it



Woo hoo! Looks like the path I take is more good than insane! If these things are to be believed...

Peat.

CODES!!!
Okay, so the code didn't work. I'll try again

When I get this Halberd out of my ass

Woohoo! It worked! I'll put links to the others now!

The Grasshopper lies heavy

Mind on the run

Excellent! Now if only I could work out how to get them under 'links'...

My other mate John now has his own blog called 'When I get this Halberd out of my ass' and as I like to advertise my mates almost as much as I shamelessly promote myself, check it out at:

.

If I was a whizz at these code things I'd add some proper links. Well, it'll stop me revising for a while I guess. :)

Not been up to much recently, trying to seperate the usual neuroses from exam stress mainly. Which basically involves avoiding revision. But I think I'll get an early night and work my ass off tommorrow rather than pretend to myself I'm going to do anymore tonight. I suppose I'll take comfort in the fact that in three weeks time this will all be over. I think I'll write a list of all the things I'm going to do after and over the summer to remind me to do them. I wonder how Steve is getting along on his list?

On another topic, listening is difficult, but worthwhile. If we spend so little time on this mortal coil, full of ideas and emotions and innovations, I think we should all really listen to one another more. I want to see beyond the facades, like I said in my first blog; see beyond the life before my eyes and into other peoples. I want to be able to understand how people are feeling, even if they can't express it, to know what to do or say to make them feel better or resolve their conflict. But these things take time I guess. How much time I have I do not know. So therefore I must do my best everyday, continuing tommorrow.

Take care,

Peat

EXAMS FTAUGH!

I haven't posted for a while and doesn't look like I'll post for a good deal of time after that as well for you see, exams are upon me. Not only are exams looming over the horizon like Great Cthulhu waking up but there are all the associated activities, stress, revision, tidying of my room numerous times, drawing for myself, drawing for other people, pretending that I've done enough for one day, loss of concentration, apathy about the subject, mad plans for what to do once the exams are over, I could go on...

What has occured to my friends and I is the fact that this has been happening at the same time of year for the last FIVE YEARS. Talk about punishment, and (again like Great Cthulhu rising from his sea prison) I never seem to be as prepared for it as I'd like. Exams in themselves are not so bad, sometimes when you get the right question which

a) You find interesting personally
b) Have revisied
c) Have revised enough about that you can write about it with some degree of clarity

They can be quite enjoyable. Some of best work has come from those few hours scribbling away in the exam hall but it's all the baggage, (ie the revision and the stress) which I despise. I always get really panicy before an exam, the day and night before; 'Have I done enough?' 'Should I do another practice question?' 'What if the trains are late?' 'What if there aren't any questions I can answer?'

Then I experience that strange moment of calm euphoria where I relax and remember that this isn't that important, if I fail at everything maybe I can go live in a monastary or work on a farm somewhere and be happy. Then the stress comes back with a sinking feeling in my stomach and then I go into the exam hall.

Why do they always put exams in the summer? So that I have to sit INDOORS and occassionally glance out the window at the sunshine, birds singing, green green grass and happiness and then return to whatever notes I have on my desk.

The consolation however is the aftermath, and this time I'm going to do my best to make it worth the effort. This time it's going to be different, this summer is going to be one to remember! I'm going to do thise things I said I would, I'm going to travel, see my mates and write my books and screenplays. Then when it's all over and I have to go back to uni I'll have had a blast. I hope you'll accompany me on a part of my journey this summer. See ya soon.

Rock and roll!

Peat.

This was on Tom's blog so I followed the instructions and got the quote below. What fun!

Memery
1. Open the nearest book to you
2. Turn to page 23
3. Find the fifth sentence
4. Post it on your blog with these instructions.

"Her anger was gone, at least for the time being"

Back from the student nationals which were great fun but have to do lots and lots or revision so must go once more!

Tack care!

Peat.

AND THE BLOG GOES ON...

I haven't posted for a while because I've been away for easter (like my 3 readers give a piece of kobold's furniture). But it's been fun nonetheless (didn't get any revision done either). Just posting to say one of my best mates John (inspired by me Steve and Tom) has started his own blog:

www.whenigetthishalberdoutofmyass.blogspot.com

He's still finding his voice like I was at the beginning (and still am I know!) But he's reminded me of two things I need to write about and I'll put them here to remind me next time I come to write this stream of consciousness

1) The backstory to me life
2) Chin's life and death

The second of which did and still has in some ways a great and long lastiung affect on my life (and, as you'll read, on John's). While I didn't know Chin for as long as John, what is important is Chin's gift; he managed to make all his friends feel like they were his best friend. I know I did. The guy was great, he was just fun to be around and made the day interesting. Even going round the corner to McD***lds was fun with Chin, it was memorable.

Some would say it was his heart condition which made him that way, maybe it had an affect but I like to think it was just him, he'd found a way to make every day memorable.

I don't want to dwell on it too much but when he died it was as if the world didn't make sense anymore. I could only describe it as having a diagram of your world and having a huge hole torn in the centre, the chart didn't mean anything anymore. That was what happened first, then later I started trying to take the blame for it, the guy was great, he made everyone feel happy and it seemed like I couldn't do that. I genuinely thought it should have been me that died. Once I got over that I was fine, but occasionaly it comes back to bite me in the ass again.

If I learnt something it was something similar to John. I felt Chin had set me on a path to becoming 'the best Peat I could be' and I thought he would walk with me. As it is, we have to walk without him, what we learn is that we are mortal and we don't know how much time we have. So cherish every moment.

Oh, and funerals are bad, and wakes are wierd.

Hmm, I said I'd talk about it in futrue entries and ended up talking about it now. Oh well.

Take care,

Peat.

FRAGRANT PEAT AND THE NICKNAMES

Aren't nicknames great? They remind me of how people see the world and what they associate with people. Nicknames can come from anywhere and throughout their life people will have many. So stick, some don't, but the most important thing is, one cannot give oneself a nickname. Many may find that a tad hypocritical, when I took the mantle, 'Peat' I chose it for the reason that it looks slightly cooler when you write it down and it doesn't sound any different than the conventional 'Pete'. I've been using it for so long now it seems strange to refer to myself as 'Peter' and nor do I think my friends think of me that way.

But why am I fragrant you ask? This comes down to people having the same name in the friendship groups I hang out with. With two 'Pete's in one group we both answered when someone called our name. The other Pete (for reasons I forget (sorry mate!) had the nickname 'Stinky' and so I was named 'fragrant Peat' to differentiate me from him. We now respectively answer to 'Stinky' and 'Fragrant'.

Within this group there are others with the same name, the Daves for example. One Dave is refered to sometimes as 'Jaffa' on account of his surname and (presumably) he like Jaffa cakes and rolls. Having too many Matts, there is 'Cookie Matt' (because he does the cooking) and 'Fluffy Matt' (I wasn't present for this one but I assume it's because he's a really nice guy).

Then there are ones related to the way people are. I was told stories this weekend of 'Ninja Tom' who had been training in martial arts since he was 8 by his father (and thus deserves the title) as opposed to 'Tom the Ninja' who merely WANTED to be a Ninja.

Crazy stuff and yet these names help us to remember. Not only people but anecdotes which colour our lives like a character sheet covers that half painted barbarian model from Heroquest you're using to represent you on a finely desgin cardboard dungeon in the Warhammer world.

So, nicknames, if you haven't got one, GET ONE! (Unless of course you're the only person in the area with your name, in which you don't NEED one. Feel happy everyone knows you as you and not some bizarre anecdote! he he he)

Take care,

Peat.

THE ZOMBIE METAPHOR

Reading an interview with Simon Pegg, the writer of 'SPACED' and set to star in the awesome looking 'Shaun of the Dead' he mentioned how zombies are a great metaphor for anything relentlessly annoying in life. Those weren't his exact words you understand, he said that they represented the plodding responsibilities of life after 30. But they could also represent, conformity, corporations, etc. Or, as social anthropologists will tell, you, mankind's fear of cannibalism allowed to run free.

But this got me thinking (something I do FAR too much of) and wondered, what a question such as:

"What do zombies mean to you?"

Would tell me about my friends and family. I plan to see 'Dawn of the Dead' tonight and I hope it is the gore filled splatterfest I hope it to be. But I don't intend to ask people afterwards the deeper meaning fo the film. There probably isn't one, and yet we find zombies so fascinating.

This is of course utter tosh. If I saw a horde of zombies running...sorry, shambling down the street towards me all that would run through my head would be fear for my life and maybe with a casual reference to fears of my own death. I might try to run home, probably have to fend off a few of the gruesome cadavers before I got to my front door, where I would probably break down my mate's door and unsheath his katana (not a metaphor!). I'd probably start to phone people then, and realise the wires had been cut...
"How can they cut the wires, they're animals!"
(Finally got a Bill Paxton quote into this stupid blog!)

Priorities change. So, if zombies were a metaphor for me, they'd probably be a reminder (a visual one as well) of my own mortality and to remember what's really important. Man, I am soooo pretentious.

"Game over man! Game over!"

Peat.

Over the last weekend I've been trying to take the next step on the eightfold path. That of 'right speech'. To truely think before you speak is difficult, mostly people just speak and listen vaguely, waiting for their turn to speak. I'm not having a go at anyone, I do it as well, I did it this weekend, several times. It is not always in a selfish manner either, one can be so excited to see someone you want to tell them everything at once, as do they.

When I was showing my parents my photos of my study trip to Egypt I became acutely aware of this once again. How interested were they in this? Was I telling the story in a way in which they found interesting or relevant? My parents have both been to Egypt so I found the way to engage them was to note the differences between the trip I took with them and the trip I took with my university.

But such observances can be applied to real life, in conversation I find it often much better to just listen. I have had long conversation in which I have only asked questions for example and listened to the answers. I felt I learnt more about my friends and family by fogetting what I wanted to say or add to the conversation and listened to what they had to say.

But right speech can be expressed in all sorts of ways. Always saying thank you. Always asking people how they are, even if they don't ask you back. Always speaking the truth (far more complex than it sounds).

Take care,

Peat.

"You can't quit now, when we're so close to the end!"
Professor Henry Jones (Snr)

Just had my last lecture for my second year of university. I'd say it's flown by but everyone I know seems to be saying that these days. It has of course, gone quickly, these things have a habit of doing that but it has been eventful in its passing. I have met even more people and made even more friends since this time last year I have done so much and I wouldn't change any of it.

As Buddha said:
"All things arise and fade away". I interpret this as 'things change'. Things fading away seems too depressing really. I'd like to think things don't 'end' as such they just change. But one of the central teachings whichi is hard to follow is to see everything in the world as impermanent. Everything that is built eventually falls down, all those who are gathered together eventually part. It is the way of things. But in some cases relationships just change into something different.

Stephen (of grasshopper lies heavy fame) for example is moving to Liverpool to do his Phd. Our friendship isn't going to end, it's going to change. Of course some friendships do end, when one moves away, people slip out of contact but the ones you hold on to, they must be true friends indeed.

Take care,

Peat.

A CALL TO ADVENTURE?

My blogging cohort, Stephen (in an impressive bid to tear the 'adventurer' mantle from my head) has asked people to challenge him with things to do for the next six months. Check out:

www.grasshopperliesheavy.blogspot.com

For his list of challenges and the first one (complete or not? You decide!). As Stephen is a lovely chap, and I would dearly like for him to succeed (no sarcasm I assure you) I'm willing to offer myself as a 'heroic companion'; Dr Watson to his Holmes, Passeportout to his Phineas Fogg, Sam to his Frodo (or maybe Gollum if I'm in a bad mood). Not only does this mean that Beastie (who writes 'We eat a Nut and an Insect') who challenged him get assurances that I can verify Stephen's activities (I always tell the truth remember) but I also get to have enormous fun and more importantly...an adventure!

Of course Stephen could always refuse...Some roads a man has to walk alone...And I'll understand of course.

The other matter on my mind is a proposed 'body swap' on friday night for an hour. In every cartoon series ever made there seems to be a 'body swapping' episode so why not in our dreary lives? Basically what this means is, at an party of friday night I have to take on the personality traits of a (one hates to use the word) arrogant, northern, womanising friend of mine (or to quote him; become a 'genuine hero') while he has to take on my personality, ethics, truth, caring about your fellow man, etc. This of course has the potential to ruin our lives which is why it is only happening for an hour. I'm seriously considering getting a trustworthy mate to lock me in a room by myself for the hour so I don't say or do anything I'll regret (being geeks we would have to be as authentic as possible). Not only that, but some of my more evil mates intend to throw events in which my friend wouldn't be able to refuse (and therefore I shouldn't either) I think involving absinthe. I get more worried as friday approaches...

Still, it should be interesting, if nothing else!

Take care,

Peat.

THE BACKSTORY RESUMES...
Due to popular demand (well, one person actually) I have decided to resume where I left off my posts so long ago with the story of my life. Unfortunatley when I have written about the past before now the post has turned into a rant. The other complaint I get is that I am not specific or explicit enough; the post refer to vague events and people to which my other friends have no understanding or recollection whatsoever.

Also, I'm afraid that my blog is simply recounting my descent into madness, each post seems to be crazier than the last and my friends can only watch in horror as my sanity finally slips away.

I'm reminded of a Red Dwarf quote:
"Underneath all that neurotic mess is someone nice, trying to get out."

But if I am to continue this blog in the same 'uncompromisingly truthfull account of my thoughts and feelings' of course it's going to look pretty bad. Things get worse before they get better when it comes to the soul. I think I need to calm down and not worry so much. Of course the simple answer is that I'm stressed about the work I have to get done. I We all go a little crazy when it comes to deadlines I think. I know I do. Stress and me don't get on.

Take care,

Peat.

What I have learnt today is that while it is not possible to end all the suffering in the world, or to take everyone's sins upon myself I can at least be there for everyone when they need me. That is really all a person can do I suppose. If 'no man is an island' then everyone can (sing along if you want):

#Lean on me, when you're not strong
I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on, for,
It won't be long, till I'm gonna need,
Somebody to lean on#

Sorry, have visons of people holding lighters in the air and slowly swaying to me on a stage with a Michael Bolton haircut. GAHHH!!!

Take care,

Peat

BACK TO REALITY
Coming back to work after an awesome weekend always puts me on a downer. Then people accusing you of having a messiah complex doesn't help. I'm not denying there is some truth to it, I accept blame that isn't mine sometimes, I try to be as loving and kind as I can (or do I just SAY that I do?), when trying to change me viewpoint to one of cause and effect (karma) I see all my actions as having long lasting consquences. I have an effect on the lives around me.

As seems to be the theme of this blog, I tread a fine line between cultivating my innate buddha-nature and becoming a self-centred person with a messiah complex.

Looking at my viewpoint the most obvious solution comes from the Lo-jong discipline (lo meaning mind and jong meaning train/form/soften) and that is this:

'Put responisibilty where it belongs'.

I feel I have only twice seen with diamond-like vision so far, one of them was when I told a friend who was blaming herself for things that weren't her fault and neglecting the ones that where: I said; 'Don't take responsibility for the things that aren't yours, and do for the things that are.' If only I'd take my own advice!

Clearly I am not the centre of the universe, I can control nothing except my own actions. More importantly is that I cannot control other people's reactions, no matter how good and pure my own are, they react also because of the way THEY are.

So I resolve to act with the best intentions, but I cannot put the sins of the world on my back, nor can I please everyone. What I have to do is ACCEPT everyone, or love everyone. Lama Surya das says it is possible to love even those people you do not like. I'm still working on that one!

Take care,

Peat.

Doubt as a teacher...

I haven't written for a while as I have had a lot of work to to. Or to be more accurate, I've had a lot of work I've been stressing that I SHOULD do. But I seem to have a few minutes free now to keep you updated.

As ever, monday nights seem to hold great dilema, or angst or even wonderous joy sometimes. This time I was struck by doubt. Doubt that maybe I'm not strong enough to be a Buddhist, that I don't have the strength of will to follow the eightfold path. That I could just give up and live out my rollercoaster of emotions reasonably content. As I sobered up and eventually got home (resisting the urge to go and rant at a friend about the pain of unrequited love) I sat on my roof and thought. Coming to a compromise of giving up without giving up I went to bed.

But of course, when I woke up again I was more determined than ever to follow this path. The doubt taught me that no one is forcing me to do this, no one is going to tell me off for not following this path. Buddha was 19 years old when he walked out of his palace and saw the suffering of the world. It was then when he vowed to transcend that and help everyone. With all that's happened this year so far I think I am ready. I think the obvious place to begin would be with purifying the body, no more alcohol for a start!

Take care.

Peat.

CREATIVE JUICES

I feel today like there just doesn't seem to be enough time in my life. Like the days speed by. A constant struggle of mine is how to make the days last longer. How to squeeze and suck the day (as Metallica put it) and live life to the full. 'Carpe diem' as it were. I think it's a case of being mindful, paying attention. Buddhists put it that life is happening right now, but we are often off somewhere else missing it.

The immortal lines in 'Fight Club':
"This is the greatest moment of your life and you're off somewhere missing it!"

In fact, why am I here writing this? I have go so many other things to do!

Take care,

Peat.

The praise I get sometimes is astounding. I have had brief conversations with friends about 'darkness' and 'light'. I found a friend of mine in a darkened hallway at a party recently:

Me: What are you doing in the dark?"

Friend: "It's easier in the dark."

Me: "No it's not, you just get used to it after a while. You start to feel like you belong there. But that just isn't true. I know where of I speak."

Friend: "Have you spent seven years in the dark?"

Me: (After a moment of speculation) "Yes."

It sounds much more pretentious written down then when it happened. It was all in a semi-drunk, tongue in cheek fashion then. But I stand by my opinion that the 'dark' (whatever than may mean) is cold, lonely and depressing. I felt like I belonged there, as if every time I stepped into the light I did something wrong and so slunk away again. But that just wasn't the case. Emotional paranoia and fragility told me that but the only truely negative stuff came from me. No one said anything bad about me, but myself!

Another friend told me last night that the 'light' of Buddhism is the brightest they know, they respect me highly for choosing such a path (Despite it being well known I am the worst Buddhist ever! :) ).

In summary: The light is accepting, joyful and uplifting. I could not be part of the fellowship I am now without being 'in the light'. The dark is, well, dark. Full of angst, pain and misery. But above all it's lonely. It felt like no one understood when I was in the dark. But that was because I didn't let them bring me to the light. In the light, people care, people want to help and people like you for who you really are.

There, rant over.

Take care,

Peat.

...AND JUST LIKE, THE MOVIES

Saw 'School of Rock' and 'Lost in translation' over the last two days. Both good films for different reasons. I'd recommend 'school of rock' as a feel good movie and for some serious hard rockage! Lost in translation is quite unique in being the only film I have seen which portrays a long goodbye as they happen in real life. They take ages sometimes. But also reminds me of those people you can really connect with but only meet once.

Can't really explain more about my current mental state right now, but I feel I've turned a corner in some respects. I truely feel part of the 'fellowship' I spoke of so many posts ago!

Take care,

Peat

'When you accept yourself, the whole world accepts you"
Lao Tzu.

Words which resonate with me everytime I think of them. But (as is the way with many sayings of the wise) it is difficult to follow. But as the Buddha wrote:

"However many holy words you read,
However many you speak,
What good will they do you,
If you do not act upon them?"

The lesson I learned at the beginning of this week was that you cannot have one rule for yourself and one for everyone else. Even with the best intentions those morals and ethics may bring. This was struck home to me at last by a friend and I am still reeling from the shattering of my ego.

If you're anything like me (may GOD have mercy on us all if you are ;) ) then you're probably a bit(!) paranoid about what other people think. But as Lao Tzu says, you have to accept yourself, as you are in order to lead at least a partially contented life. This is what I tried, but as I destroyed the house of my ego, I was building another one, brick by brick. A house of self-deprication and good intentions. Helping others is great and a noble task, but you have to allow them to help you as well. This is what I didn't do. This made me feel distanced from people in a whole new way to the way I used to be distanced. Funny really.

Yeah.

Hysterical.

But the point is, to feel that the world accepts me is to stop trying to distance myself from it. In all of the ways I was. I had to accept myself. I was not alone, misunderstood and different from everyone else. But to help, they had to know that! They couldn't help because they didn't know. But more importantly, the next day I felt more connected to my mates around me than I had...ever!

Take care. To all the people who are now deeply worried about me. I'm okay! This is progress people! It was a shock (and still is a little) but I can feel it is for the best. This is yet another obstacle on the path to being the best me I can be! I promise you that. In fact, I'm giving up self-deprication for lent! As helpful as it seemed to be, keeping me humble and preparing for disaapointment. It is the flip side of an arrogant ego. Neither is good.

But I'm getting better now!

Peat.