I was debating my new found enthusiasum for my cause with a friend shortly after I last posted. He said:

"The only truely ethical way of living is to become a farmer." Jack Feintuck.

So perhaps 'The Promised land' as a farm is the best way to live after all. That means, that is still the goal my friends. But we must not be naive about it, it will be a lot of work. I hear stories of 16 hour days, up at dawn, etc. It's a tough life.

Unfortunately they don't sell farms on 'ebay' so I can't tell you how much one would cost. But they do sell a lot of farming equipment and manuals. But I probably wouldn't buy through that bloodthirsty corporation anyway :)

So anyway, the dream still lives on and the crusade begins.

To the barricades!

Peat.

RAGE TAKING OVER...




"I'm tired of losing myself to some childhood dream of what could have been.
Money calls the shots and I'm stuck between; Summer holidays and punk routine.

Rather be forgotten, than remembered for, giving in"
Refused: 'Summer holidays and Punk Routine'

INCOMING RANT: BEWARE PREACHY TONE
Calm down everyone, Peat hasn't lost the plot. I don't really get angry. Sometimes I get pissed off (as I'm sure you have read in the previous posts) but not truely angry.

Anyway, it's time to start my crusade I think. I went to see 'Les Miserables' on monday and it was AWESOME. Before you start rolling your eyes about musicals being crap and stuff you clearly haven't seen it. The songs are cool and it was very moving as well.

But my point is, part of the story is about some students reading their revolutionary books trying to start revolution (I am sure you are aware of an event called the 'French Revolution'). Anyway, there was such dignity there, such cameraderie and they are genuinely fighting for freedom. This was inspiring stuff and I longed for that kind of spirit. A Red flag waving in the sky, brothers in arms, etc. But I am not so naive to say I would like a battle to fight. But it is important to stand up for what you believe in.

Now, while revolutionary principles seemed to be frowned upon nowadays (at least in the circles I move in) that doesn't mean their points were any less valid. I personally beleive that the so called 'proof' that communism doesn't work isn't really proof at all, merely proof that power corrupts.

Besides, the rules have changed since Marx's days. Even Lenin's days. The enemy that is capitalism is much more subtle. 1984 given true and hidious flesh. It goes by the name of Consumerism and back when I was living in Fleet I thought is was something else. But this is a cunning and elusive enemy.

But even so, knowing this I could hardly lay down and give in. I could not look at myself if I didn't try to fight for what I believed in. But, being a confused twentysomething I wasn't sure what that was.

At least now I know more about what I fight against. There are, it would seem two ways to fight.
1. The Promised land- Our independent state over the rainbow where we can all be together and free. But as 'Refused' put it as I wrote above, this could be just a childhood dream. An idle hope construed through corporate propaganda, a disneyfied haven where we band together to pretend the world just isn't messed up.

2. Make a stand- Can you not hear it on the wind? Can you not see the masses standing up and proclaiming: 'We will no longer be slaves to a logo! We want to fight this corporate take-over of life itself! We are more than statistics designed to consume!'. But more and more, people want to know how.
I see it in music, film, books. I see it on the internet, more people wanting this to end. To not have our lives ruled by Corporations. It's not there yet, but it soon will be if we do nothing.

"The only thing evil needs to succeed if for good men to do nothing"
Edmund Burke

Of course, the opposite is everywhere, in music, films, televisions, books. It's almost all-pervasive. We have to fight it, fight it together.

The first step is information. Educate yourself on the evils of Corprations. Don't give me that crap that you don't care because I know deep down you do. It costs nothing to learn does it? It costs nothing to know the real story, both sides. To feel you understand rather than sit their confused about what is 'the truth' because so many corporations feed you so many lies. Yep, news networks as well.

Visit various websites to help with this:
www.thecorporation.com Helped me a lot. It's a good starting block for many other websites.

The second step is to start taking action. Start consuming against corporations, buy fair trade, organic, etc. I'm sure those hard working people of Peru need the money more than some CEO needs a porche.

The third step is to make sure we're all on the same page. That we work together so we can all buy fair trade, organic. What's good and what's not.

The fourth step, well I'm not sure. One step at a time fellas. Fight Club captured our spirit of oppression. We are free if only we realise it.

I did mean to get preachy and no I won't apologise for it. All I would ask is that you reflect upon it a little and visit the websites so you understand more.

Thank you.

IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

Feeling a lot better than yesterday. Possibly for two reasons, but I'm not sure how much I should write here.

I saw 'Finding Neverland' last night and (like probably everyone else in the cinema) I really identified with J.M. Barrie. I think he was on to something with the fact that we seem to grow up too fast. We are pressured to move from boys to men so fast, then we regret it when we do. All that responsibility...

To transcribe a part of 'Waynes World 2'
Jim Morrison: Being an adult is facing responsibilty but still taking the time out to party.

Wayne: Yeah, it's like coming home on a friday night and doing you're homework right away, so you're weekend is free to just party.

Jim Morrison: No, I like the way I put it better.

But I'm rambling. I was inspire by 'Finding Neverland' though to renew my effort to live everyday and not lose the spirit of adventure and joy that we had as children.

"We don't stop playing because we grow old.
We grow old when we stop playing."

To this day I do not know who said that. But it makes a lot of sense.

The other reason I'm feeling okay is that I have been gifted with a little bit of hope about Fiona once more. It's always in the last place you look.

As to yesterdays dilema. Russ and Steve have spoken to me and I respect what they think. The point is that I'm trying. It's the thought that counts. I'm trying to be the best Peat I can be and that counts for a lot. A lot more than I realised. Thanks guys ;)

Wolf ~ Wolves are also regarded as path finders
and teachers. Wolf is represented by the
constellation Sirius, the Dog.
In the Zuni tradition the Wolf symbolizes the
direction East.
Wolf's Wisdom Includes:

Facing the end of one's cycle with dignity and
courage

Death and rebirth

Spirit teaching

Guidance in dreams and meditations

Instinct linked with intelligence

Social and familial values

Outwitting enemies

Loyalty

Steadfastness

perseverance

Taking advantage of change

If you enjoy this quiz please rate, and I may do
some more!

src=http://www.othellobloke.co.uk/Nativemid/bravewarrior.mid>


Animal Spirit Guides ~ Which One Calls To You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I always knew it to be so. Okay, time for a big update.

I was planning to go on a big rant here but I don't have the...anger to do it. I feel calm and so not at all bothered by what I was going to rant about.

On another note, I feel bad for a mate of mine who's having a rough time recently. If only I didn't have my coursework to do I would have hung out with him today but alas I HAD to do the work today. I'm sorry dude, it's my own fault for leaving it until today.

LARP stuff that's getting me down right now:
1. The pressures of leading the Red Dragons is starting to get to me. The others say how they are having a rough time/going crazy/despairing and I kinda have to hold them altogether. Despite some tragic IC news. But it's just a game, we all know that I relish burdens and responsibility. Just so that I can crack later on and get attention from people.

I'm shallow like that. heh.

WARNING: SELFISHINESS IMMINENT IN NEXT PARAGRAPH. INCOMING RANT:
2. This is neither the time nor the place to mention this but after specifically telling a friend not to do something, they have gone and done it. I remember specifically telling them not to do it as well. For once I'm right about something. But, as I said, it's not the time to mention it. I'm just angry that, I'm waiting for this plot to get passed and then they stir it up so I have to put it all together again. What hurt was the way I was casually brushed aside as the ref running the plot 'he'll just make it part of his plot'. Justifying their freedom to mess around. After I specifically told them not to.

That was just a rant to get it off my chest. Now that I have the irritation has left me so it doesn't really matter. The plot moves on and I'll have fun sorting it out when it finally comes back to me. Or if it doesn't it's no longer my problem anyway! lol.

WARNING: HIGH LEVELS OF PRETENTION IN THE NEXT PART. READER DISCRETION ADVISED.
I feel like I'm failing people. As I may have mentioned before there seems to be a clash of things people tell me (and what I think).

1. I'm almost (if not already) a good person. A person with no major hangups, a person everyone can like, rely upon and can count on as a friend should they need me. I am also a banner bearer for the post-modern knights, hope has been placed in me for the future, by people I greatly respect and whom I don't want to let down. I have a dream of a promised land over the rainbow where we can live happily together. I want to live humbly with that dream in mind.

2. I'm failing. Failing in all the things above. I am a less good person, a person with MAJOR desire issues, a person more and more people DISLIKE, whom they can't rely upon because I'm always looking out for number one. I seem to be locked in some kind of 'selflessness' competition with Russ (who far outdoes me but my pride keeps me from doing things in an effort to seem as selfless as he). He trusts me and I cannot be there for him because I lack the basic decency a person needs to be his friend. I am guilty of all the things he finds repugnant (well, maybe not all, but most of them). I have failed to be a post modern knight because I lack the chivalry and honour which created this ideal in the first place. I should therefore give up and place my hopes as well upon Russ, who has the qualities I lack.

The only thing which I know is consistent is my dream. The promised land. But do I want to find it for the glory of friendship, or my own glory?

God, I hate myself.
God, I'm so sorry everyone.

(And so, the old school Peter returns. heh.)

You're like an angel. As everyone knows, angels
dwell in heaven. They were desribed as shining
ones wearing white and the idea that they have
wings is believed as well. Guardian angels are
the ones that many people think are dead loved
ones who try to protect the living friends or
family they have on Earth. They usually had
blonde hair and maybe brown with flawless
appearance and sweet dispositions. They were
cheerful, hopefull, selfless, loving, and kind.
Angels are the one mystical creature that a
majority of people truly believe in. Encounters
with angels are poping up all over the world
and reassuring people's beliefs in angels. (If
you cannot see the picture, go to my userpage
and look near the bottom. There should be the
picture and description for all the results)

What Mystical Creature Are You? (Pictures)
brought to you by

Gee, maybe I have finally made it to being the best Peat I could be :) Though of course I won't stop trying

For those alarmed by the last post, I'm feeling a lot better now. I spoke to Fiona last thursday and we did our usual 'talking but not saying what we really mean because we're afraid'. She said a lot of things which I shan't repeat here but have influenced my thoughts over the last weekend.

At first I thought I should give up, let it go as it wasn't meant to be. But that just seems to defeatist.

So I have made the desicion to fight for her. Because I really care for her. I may crash and burn, but if I do it will be because I tried. I fought for someone I cared about and she is worth fighting for. If I gave up now of course I would fail. 'Better to burn out than fade away' perhaps.

On another note, had a long conversation with Lex at the weekend about life, postmodern knights, the promised land and friendship. We drunkenly put the world to rights (yeah I know I'm straight edge but it was a LARP event, I had to drink!).

It seems a lot of faith has been placed in me by those who came before me (the 'founders' of this movement if you will). They did not have people to guide them as I do, they did not have the benefits of hindsight on their side and so they faultered. They lost hope and buckled to the pressures of the world and found faith in those who come after them.

Perhaps I shall faulter as well and find faith in one who comes after me. You know who you are because you remind me of a younger me (as I remind Lex of a younger him). Perhaps I shall find another when my hope fades and I no longer dream of charging over the horizon to the promised land.

But I shall not faulter. I cannot. Everything I feel about this is summed up in that Tennyson quote. There is not more I can add to it.

Or maybe I think too much.

Peat.

I

felt

cold

at first.

It was like my heart had been drenched in ice cold water. It dripped down into my stomach. I walked away from the house with this ice packed soul within me. I couldn't face going home so I walked up the track to the 'railway gardens' on Green lanes. I needed a walk, I needed to clear my head. I needed trees and grass and solitude. I turned the corner and walked past the hut where the grounds keeper worked.

"Sorry, I'm about to close the gates," he said as he stepped out.
"That's okay," I said faking a smile, perhaps I was a bit amused by the situation, "I'll head back out."

Back on Green Lanes I walked home, ate a lot of chocolate, watched Futurama, went round my mates house. All the while my heart beating with pain I laughed and joked. Maybe I forgot what was hurting me for a moment or two.

I can't sleep properly these days. Can't seem to stop thinking about her.

Ironically enough, the bass guitar she gave me is the only thing which can actually quieten my mind and make me relax. It's theraputic. But then I think of her who gave me this axe and get hit in the chest again.

I don't know what hurts more; my broken heart, the sense that she actually does feel for me but she denies it or the fact that the people who told me to give up are laughing at my right now.

Yeah, I was wrong. I was wrong. You were right. I'm always wrong and you were right and yeah I got hurt again.

But this time it's different. This time it really, really hurts.

I don't know if I should give up or fight for her. I think she's worth fighting for and that I could maybe save her. From herself. That she fears the unknown and so has gone back to HIM, als0 denying her feelings for me which I KNOW she has. I could persue her, show my devotion like the post-modern knight I am. Free her from her fears. I have enough courage for both of us because I believe it is worth fighting for. That she is worth the chance.

Or do I just THINK she has feelings for me? Or do I just think too much? Shall I just return to the dark, never again to rear my monstrous visage into the light? Shall I take this freezing, bleeding heart and lock it up again? Put it back in it's forbidden cage and throw away the key.

Not sure I should post any of this as everyone else seems to be on the upswing. Bailey's new girlfriend for one (you dawg you! :) ). Maybe it isn't over either and it's too soon to tell.

But here is where I bear my soul and if you've read it then you know my heart right now at this moment.

To misquote Futurama:
"You read it, you can't unread it!"

Peat.