Just posted a new rant on Ramrage. Please read it as I think I make my point (not very eloquently but I think it's important).

Going to make some adjustments to this site soon I think.

Ram

I have a problem. Well, not so much a problem as a bad habit. I'm not sure how to classify it so I'll just be as clear as I can.

I have difficulty believing it when Girl's say they like me. That might sound wierd, or not important but when you consider that it's pretty much the SOLE reason why every prospect of my 'getting the girl' has either blown up in my face or I've crashed and burned like the Hindenburg disaster it becomes an issue for me.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not bewailing my lot in life. As Gunn put it, at least I've had the chance for shots at romance, love, etc. I might not have even had those. I am grateful, and I wouldn't change anything.

But why do I consistently fail with the opposite sex? I just don't believe them. My track record hasn't exactly been casanova-like but because these things don't happen to me that often, I usually deny they are happening at all. I create vast mythologies as to why a girl's behaviour towards me isn't affection but something else. Or that I'm delusional, or she is.

I spiral off into self-deprecation, convincing myself that I am a monster, a beast, undeserving of love and will be unable to find it. Yet it tries to find me.

I've broken up with girl's before now because their affection scares me. I think to myself.
"They can't like me as much as they say, they must not know me properly."

My last disaster was over the summer. A girl liked me but I didn't like her back (plus, being good friends I thought she was mistaking her need for a friend as affection, and my friendship and kindness as interest). Anyway, I couldn't think of a way to resolve it without hurting her so I had to hurt her in the end. That was a while ago and we're on better terms now (although I've been told she...well...'loves'...me).

Anyway, in the aftermath of this, while I felt like I was the worst person on the planet I got together with the girl of my dreams. Out of the blue! I didn't even know she liked me! I was on cloud 9 again.

BUT, typical of me, I blew it by starting to remember things she said differently, focusing on the negative, that she didn't really want a relationshup with me and so on. Then it came to it, a point in time; either we get together and make a go of it or we move on. All I had to do was be courageous, to be bold and daring. Instead I buckled like a belt and everything she said was like a dagger. Man, it hurt. She wanted me to be bold and say,

"Hell yeah, none of these 'bad things' matter to me. I think you're amazing! Let's make a go of it! You're worth the effort."

Did I say that though? Was I the hero I claim to be? Nope, I just listened to all the reasons why we shouldn't go out like a puppy being kicked. I added a few of my own, only because I was down.

Why did we make up excuses to break up when we weren't even going out?

I can only conclude it was because I didn't believe my luck, I didn't believe she'd ACTUALLY like me. So I took what my self-deprecating side wanted. All the reasons why it was a bad idea. The easy way out. It's easy to feel like a monster, to feel beaten down. It's easy to lose that shot. That's what I did. Now I just wish I'd tried harder.

I don't write this because I'm down about it, I just wanted to get it out there where I bear my soul. I wanted to examine it a little. I've admitted my problem and I just have to find a way to break this bad habit.

Suggestions on a postcard please.

Ram

It's been a looooong time since I've posted here and I'm guessing that most people will have stopped checking by now.

But I'm back in London now with regular access to a computer (plus a shiny new laptop at home). So I thought I'd crack the hardened shell of internet silence on the pasty like the proverbial chocolate on a magnum ice-cream and lick the ice cream inside my pysche once more.

To put it bluntly, I've been having yet another odd summer. They seem to be not the same long-days, endless sunny skies that they used to be. They are this marvelous interlude of melodrama which regular readers will no doubt remember that I occassionally champion.

To summarise: Shortly after I discovered I was Raphaelalam it was my birthday. This was a weekend where I was on cloud 9 for some time. It was awesome and makes me remember why I love my mates so damn much.

Then came a period of trying to find a summer job. Which was hard because I knew I should probably get one in London. But this upset me as London towards the end of my third year of university had become a place of stress. So eventually after much angst I got a job back home and for two months I was pretty happy. Heck, I still had to get up every morning but the people I worked with were so nice.

Then there was all the drama with the Ladies (never thinking myself a Ladies man, always the upright, proper gentleman instead). But I'm not sure I shall discuss that right away. I know, I know I bear my soul here but not right now.

Now I'm back in London, doing my Master's degree. It's going to kick ass and you can keep up with it all...if you're there, because I'm not writing EVERYTHING up here!

Stay cool and update you're blogs!

Ram.