I have been searching for someone I love enough to place a picture of them on my desk.

Jo now occupies the frame previously reserved for Grace Kelly.

Jo and I have been seeing one another for nearly two years and everytime I look at the photograph a smile spreads across my whole face.

I love her.

Ram

#IF I COULD SEE ALL MY FRIENDS TONIGHT...#
LCD Soundsystem-'All my friends'



As the end of the year approaches I reflect on what the past 12 months have been like. My first reaction is one of exhaustion as I seem to have spent the whole time fighting for a good job and a way to earn enough to continue living in London. Even now, when I have an interview for a contract until march with the company I currently temp for I fail. Ram seems to have been destined for hardship in 2007.

But on the other hand I have diversified my experiences tremendously this year and feel in many ways even MORE liberal than I was before. I have worked in the National Maritime Museum which was superb. I have fought quite hard for what I believe in. I seem to have upheld my values and fought for a better world.

I found the strength I thought I had lost.

I have forged stronger bonds with friends and had a renaissance of friendships I thought lost. Facebook is partly to blame.

I am in a relationship every bit as wonderful as the one I wanted with all those other girls who broke my heart.

I have seen those I care about get married and engaged. Their's is a start of a journey that will take them very far. This year we plant the seeds for a golden future I think.

I fell very low. Thinking back to myself unshaven, unwashed hunched befoer the laptop trying so F*CKING hard to find a job I can only see that as a hardship I had to go through to come out the otherside as a wiser person.

Everyday I am trying to learn more about myself.

These are just random musings about what has happened this year.

Ram

New rant up on ramrage if you are interested.

Ram

The Realisation Report

Part of my quest for enlightenment is to face the person that I really am. Lama Surya Das was asked when he returned to the United States after being in Nepal and Tibet for years (he was born a New York Jew);
"What have you learnt from your studies?"
Lama Surya Das answered spontaneously

"I am not who I think I am."

Within that is the essence of facing up to who I am. I tell myself I am a certain way all the time, everyday. I lead a thousand fantasy lives in my brain but not of those is the real me.

I think I heard on the television recently someone say, 'you can travel all over the world, but unless you have journeyed inside yourself, you haven't been anywhere." I could loook for myself all over the globe, even into space, but the fact remains I WAS HERE ALL ALONG.

So, in this vein I have learnt some new things about myself. These things are not easy for me to face sometimes but in other places I have found things I am proud of.

I get easly depressed about money, especially about not having enough. Not that I am greedy but a new bill will bring me right now and cast a gloomy eye over everything else. I convinced myself that I didn't deserve Jo because I was down about money the other day.

I have found where my courage is. I have found that there are some things that I won't compromise on.

There are ingrained habits I have. I blame myself for a lot of things that aren't my fault. I can't take compliments very easily. I can't take criticism most of the time. I like to talk about myself most of the time.

I like getting drunk. I don't think I am an alcoholic, but I certainly like being drunk. It loosens my tongue. This is not a good thing.

A knowledge of London is important to me. Feeling knowledgable about things I SHOULD be knowledgable about is very important to me. When I can't answered people's questions I feel bad. However I am not afraid to admit I do not know something.

Part of my would like to be a guru that others turn to in times of worry. But I am realistic that because of the above I VERY RARELY know what to say and have the answers.

I relentlessly quote things. Referential honour seems to bring me joy. But at the same time I worry this does not make me witty at all.

When life is happening, I am often somewhere else.

I really do love my family, friends and Jo.

Ram

FREE BURMA


You are Damien (The Omen).
Take Which Horror Movie Character Are You? today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Personality Test Generator.

Time and time again the thought crops up in my brain that I could be a teacher. This has it's advantages, the wiping out of my student loan, the chance to talk and discuss history (as that would probably be what I would teach) and the chance to mould the future generations into good people who can help the world.

Then I realise two things:
1)Being a teacher would drive me to the same insanity that I have seen in other friends who are teachers.
2) I'M NOT DONE WITH MY TURN AS THE GENERATION OF GOOD PEOPLE WHO WILL HELP THE WORLD. I'M NOT DONE WITH MY TIME MAKING IT IN THE BIG WIDE WORLD. In fact, I've only just started!

I'm not going to give up now and pin my hopes on a younger generation as those before me have done. I'm going to do something about these problems and I'm going to make it in this world (and work out what that means).

I don't think that is too selfish. You all know that I value friendships and will help any and all I can (including the animal kingdom).

Ghandi said, 'Be the change you want to see in the world'.

On that note:

This I obtained from Tintagel castle.



The 13 Principles of Chivalry

1) A True knight is a gentle man yet fails not in duty

2) A True knight must uphold the dignity of Man and Woman remembering that all are born free and equal in dignity and rights

3) A True knight's manner of living is an example to the young

4) A True knight shall at no time act outrageously nor do murder or be cruel in any way to man or beast

5) A True knight respects and defends the rights of all men and women to hold and practice religious beliefs other than his own

6) A True knight takes no part in wrongful quarrel but at all times supports the Lawful rights of all Men and Women

7) A True knight's word is his bond

8) A True knight must be honourable in all things and know good from evil

9) A True knight must be of modest demeanour and not seek worship unto himself

10) A True knight must seek out such Quests as lead to the protection of the oppressed and never fail in Charity, Fidelity and the Truth

11) A True knight speaks evil of no man. A slanderous tongue brings shame and disgrace to an honourable knight

12) A True knight never betrays the trust or confidence given to him by a brother knight

13) A True knight must so order his life that by his contribution the people of the world may hope to live together in greater peace and tolerance

These principles seem to bear little relation to actual historical knights. I doubt that the majority of the crusaders were interested in charity, fidelity and the truth all the time. These rules stem from somewhere else then, a popular zeitgeist that would have knights as romantic, epic figures. Chivalry over time has come to mean opening doors for Ladies and little else, when it was first created it was about honour.

Ivanhoe explains chivalry to Rebecca this way:

"Chivalry!-why, maiden, she is the nurse of pure and high affection-the stay of the oppressed, the redresser of grievances, the curb of the power of the tyrant-Nobility were but an empty name without her, and liberty finds the best protection in her lance and her sword." (Chapter XXIX)

I am a true believer in that. They say that all evil needs to triumph is for good men to do nothing and I think that includes within themselves. Sometimes it is hard to uphold virtues like caring for the planet but uphold them we must lest it fall. We must also fight to uphold our liberties, before they take them all away from us.

It is true the rules have changed and the lines are not where they once were. I have found friendlier people in the most unlikely places were I thought I would find evil and debauchery. Chivalry and honour are also about being polite and gentlemanly, at least until you can make an informed judgement, then it is about standing up for the oppressed and charity, fidelity and the truth.

"Some say that the age of chivalry is past, that the spirit of romance is dead. The age of chivalry is never past, so long as there is a wrong left unredressed on earth"
Charles Kingsley

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

The Line in the Sand.

Yesterday I went to a temp job that I realised compromised my beliefs. I told the temp agency that I couldn't do the job any more. I feel guilty for letting them and the company down. But I couldn't do the job and look myself in the eye. The karma is terrible and I couldn't be a part of it.

Yes, I could have a temp job right now and be earning money, but the price was too high. I had to draw a line in the sand somewhere and I chose not to get paid money from the death of animals. People eat meat yes, there is a whole industry but I can't be a part of that.

Perhaps I have found that courage I felt I was so lacking in the past. Perhaps I am being melodramatic. Perhaps my ethics should be applauded, perhaps I needlessly made a stand. I'm still not sure.

The next time you see me, please give me a hug.

Fragile.

Which Extremity of the World Are You?
From the towering colossi at Rum and Monkey.

Inside the mind and body of Ram is a neurosis that I have not discussed before. I know, I know I thought we were through all these things but it's true there are things about me that I;m scared of. One of those is having some wierd and strange condition or disease that I will ignore and then die horribly.

Then when the doctors disect me to discover the secret of how I died they will go,

"Jeez, this guy was rotting/dying inside and he kept on going. How did he live so long in such pain?"

Not because I;m some kind of hero but because I;m too plain stupid to realise when I'm ill.

This is possibly because I didn't get as ill as my brother when I was a child. He seemed to constantly have a cold or some kind and got other things which he now lives with contentedly. The point is that my bro soldiered through so many things that I never know now whether I should be able to just 'soldier on' or be in bed with some soup.

Sometimes this backfires and I soldier through, only to collapse in a cafe like I did once in my first year. The Doctor looked at me and said 'you should be in bed."

Things I'm worried about:
Diabetes runs in my family-one day I might collapse from too much sugar and my foot will fall off.

Heart attack. I seem to eat poorly and a lot of sugar and fat. Yet I don't seem to gain weight. Is all that fat clogging up my heart? Will it suddenly fail. Then you count in the occassional skips and irregular beat makes for a very paranoid Ram.

Digestion problems ranging all the way up to tapeworm. I am pretty thin after all. Was a deeper digestive problem the cause of my tonsilitis and poor gums?

Anemia-Jo keeps remarking about my sunken eyes. Sometimes I seem really pale and with bloodshot eyes. Am I missing something from my diet? One day a doctor is going to proscribe me with aheavy meat diet because I;m not getting enough protein or something and all my ethics and morals will crash down in a hail of scorn from my peers.

Brittle bones and crones disease and all other things thank make your bones warp and bend (Including extreme arthritis). I've got bow lega already and the thought of my hands seasing up scares me soooooooo much.

Sensitive to stings and bites: I swell up when I get stung or bitten. I seem to have less anti-hysthemiens than when I was a child. WHY?

Passive smoking:I fear that it is my karma to die from lung/mouth/throat cancer and not my mates. Do I have to martyr myself to stop them smoking?

All this adds up to a very paranoid Ram. But I feel a little better about getting all that off my chest. I REALLY HATE smoking. But nevertheless I have stopped going on about it recently.

My Internship is coming to an end, with a lot less money that I expected. I blame the tax man. Gotta get a new job and NOT slink back to ULU.

Jo, I love you.

Ram

I'm drinking tea from a Mug I won at Ed and Hannah's wedding on saturday.

I'm digesting both my veggie burgers and the events of my life.

I'm toying with the bracelet my brother bought me back from the Zen temple in Kyoto.

I'm wearing the t-shirt my parents bought me from Florida.

I'm wearing the ring Lex and Stu got me.

I'm looking at the red scarf the kiddies bought me for my birthday.

I opened the box of chocolates that Ed and Hannah gave me as a gift for being an Usher. I raised the chocolate above my head to admire it. I saw the wealth of their lives ahead of them, of what a journey they will make, houses, jobs, adventures, pets, children, friends gained and lost, of sadness and joy, of poverty and wealth, of sickness and health and growing old together in each other's arms until they reach the undiscovered country.

I am honoured to know Ed and Hannah. They combine many of the virtues I admire and a warmth that radiates. Much like Bailey or the Kiddies whom I miss greatly. I am sorry I haven't been there fore a while. I know I can't undo the fact that I haven't been to see you guys in so long. I am truely sorry and should we meet again I hope I can earn your forgiveness.

Ed has a true spirit, a noble honour coupled with a down to earth attitude. He seems to be courageous and kind without EVER being melodramatic. He's just true to himself and with others. Plus he likes comics.

Hannah has boundless kindness and compassion.

I saw them getting married and beamed with joy for them. I held Jo's hand as they said their vows.

I saw them taking bold steps in their lives and it has been a long time since I have done that. So wheels begin to turn in my mind, huge, rusty wheels that haven;t turned in years. One began to turn earlier this year but stalled. Now the dust falls from them as they grind into motion.

I need to decide where I am going in my life. I need to decide where I want to live, where I want to be and what path I am to tread. I think that now, this is the goal I was talking about those many months ago, that I could see at New Year. It's not enough to 'carry on' as before, I seek a higher calling.

My favourite 'post-secret' says 'My dreams are bigger than this apartment' and that is what I feel. I dream of vast clouds, the houses of the old Gods that fill my lungs with awe. I dream of serious friends on important missions. I dream of not just writing the deeds worth doing, but DOING the deeds worth writing.

I dream of changing the world for the better. I dream of SAVING the world.

(These things I also fear-a quiet comfortable life also calls me).

I dream of meaning to my life and ending it knowing I did my best.

For when I stand with my friends, we are old and grey, less of us now than there were I want to feel that I was there, that I tried my best and left the world a better place.

Are my dreams too much to ask for?

SIX YEARS LATER

Should I feel like I miss him more than I do? I do miss him but it is so hard to feel the same feeling of parting because I;m so far removed from the person I was back then.

When I think about him I just know he would still be a good mate now. But I guess he would be miles away at uni or something. But because he was the man of the house I guess he would have looked after his Mum and cousins like he did back then.

There are so many people I want him to meet. I have met so many wonderful people since that night six years ago. I just know he would have liked them and they would have liked him.

I get the feeling he would have LARPed as well, from how excited he was when I first told him about it. I don't know how frothy he would have gotten about it. I reckon as much as we all were at first but then might have moved on to bigger and better things.

When I think about Chin, I try to think of all the things he would have done between then and now. I think he and Suzi would have gotten together, which would have been ace, then he would have gone to uni and studied for his computer qualifications. Maybe he would have gone down to Brighton. Maybe he and Jo would have been mates. I would have liked that I think. Damn, I wish he could have met Jo :)

I guess he would have finished his degree now and would be working or something. I wonder who he would be seeing and what we would all think of them.

He would have been heavily involved in all the surprise parties we have thrown. I just know he would love that stuff.

It;s then that I really realise how much he missed and how much I miss him, even though it was six years ago that he fell.

There was so much more to come my friend. There was so much you should have been part of. There was so much you should of done that we would have chatted about over a beer. Man, the parties would have been that much cooler if you had been there. You would have made such a big damn hero I know it. I think we would have grown together in a way. I always sensed you were destined for great things, part of me thinks I should try and be great for you, but everyone has to make their own path I think.

There is some much I remember, how you tried to build me up, how you always made everyday exciting, singing 'Peat's a f*cking stud yeah' to Abba's 'Mamma Mia. You were always the cool one :)

So that's how much I miss you today. When I thought about it I realised I do miss you a lot dude. I can't say I'll see you soon, so I'll just stop typing. You were a great friend.

Mark 'Chin' Richards
The legend.

From 'The Mind is an ancient and famous capital'

"The mind is a city like London,
Smoky and populous: it is a capital
Like Rome, ruined and eternal,
Marked by the monuments which no one
Now remembers. For the mind, like Rome, contains,
Catacombs, aqueducts, amphitheatres, palaces,
Churches and equestrian statues, fallen, broken or soiled.
The mind possesses and is possessed by all the ruins
Of every hanted, hunted generation's celebration..."

Delmore Schwartz (1913-66)

My love and hate relationship with London continues. Currently I am afraid of my new prospect of being an intern at the National Maritime Museum. This will no doubt be awesome but I'm a little aprehensive as it comes right after the moot.

But I will be working in an area of London steeped in history which is what I have wanted for some time now. I don't want to jinx things but I am hoping this will be the stepping stone to something bigger and onwards.

A while ago people placed their faith in me to 'make it' and I don't want to let them down. Even though I don't know what 'making it' means...

#If I could see all my friends tonight#

There was a time when I embarked on a plan to write a note to each and every person I knew about how they felt to me. I would write advice, thoughts, dreams and exactly how much they meant to me.

They would be handed out at my funeral.

But then I realised that instead of keeping such secrets it would be better to TELL all those people how much they meant to me. I opened my heart and my actions and feelings came closer together. I could only be honest with them and myself.

Now I am embarking on a renewal of that sentiment. I must see all those I care about again and renew the bonds that made us friends in the first place. Perhaps that is one of the aspects that makes my life up, a constant renewal of the true friendships that made (and make) me who I am. as I said around my birthday two years ago, I would not fall apart if these people were not in my life, but I truely LIVE having known them.

Ram.

Welcome to the World of Tommorrow!!!



Ramalam

I have posted a new rant upon on Ramrage. Please read it as it affects your information.

I shall post again soon :)

Ram.

Untold Stories

Volunteering at the War Memorials Trust I come into contact with so many untold stories of the events of our past wars, be they Zulu, Crimean, First, Second, Falklands or individual battles.

I read of The Sundowner, a small ship that was Captained by the most senior surviving officer of the Titanic and aided in evacuating British Troops from Dunkirk.

I read of Old Boys from various schools, at war on ships in the Fleet, in Indian grasslands or French fields. Their letters from home pass through my hands and I read of their explots, of how they feel about England and how they long to walk the green fields. But until then they simply 'carry on' as one soldier writes to his old school.

I learn of British soldiers who fought alongside the French and Otterman Empires against Imperialist Russia in the Crimea. Today I read how they defeated the superior odds at the Battle of Inkermann.

I gaze at the memorials or so many names of those who gave their lives for 'God, King and Country'. I see the sentiment in the plaques, praising that there is no greater love than to lay down ones life for a friend.

These soldiers in the Great Wars speak of their comrades being true 'Sons of the Empire' and glad to be fighting alongside them. A friend in the TA did some training with the SAS the other day and he said he was glad that there were people like them defending our country.

These are not the idealised memories of historians or fiction writers, these are the true stories, the untold stories.

Then I feel sad that I do not have the courage even to face up to my friends, or to speak when I should. I feel small that I do not have the right words to say or that I cannot see the right path. I feel guilty that I have so little worry in my life compared to the soldiers stuck out in Afganistan and Iraq, those who still fight and die. But the reason they were sent is not as noble.

Some would say we need another war to galvanise our people, but there is no space for that any more, aside from the Orwellian, self inflicted wounds of the attack on the World Trade Centre. I fear that war is the new economics; blinded by money the American Empire gorges itself while the world heats up and Katrina and El Nino drown her own people.

I do not deny the atrocities of Guantanamo bay, nor do I lack compassion for those fighting on the other side, the Iraqi militias, the Jihadists and countless others. Marvin Gaye wrote that 'war is not the answer, for only love can conquer hate' and it has never been truer.

I read and I learn. My heart opens with compassion for these men, many of whom died younger than I am so that I might live free. As Orwell wrote, it does not matter if we are at war with 'Eurasia' or 'East Asian' the war is waged against it's own people. This is my point, I am humbled by those who defended me in the past and who do now. They do a job I could never do. They are far nobler than those who send them to these places for oil.

STOP THE WAR
MAKE POVERTY HISTORY
STOP CLIMATE CHAOS

Ramalam.

J.D Salinger wrote in 'The Catcher in the Rye' that :

"It is the mark of an immature man that he wishes to die nobly for a cause, it is the mark of a mature man that he wants to live humbly for one."

Thank you for the freedom my ancestors, but enough with the fighting.

#WE'RE GONNA NEED, MORE THAN A STICH OR TWO#
Samuel Beer, 'More than a stich'

It seems so long since I have posted here. But perhaps the reason for that is that I feel I haven't had much to say that was worth posting here.

As we enter March I gather my feelings as to what the year will be and although I wish it were not so, the past two months have been quite grinding. 2007 will, I think be a tough year. But I do not think it will be without purpose.

I feel that nothing worth having is easily gained. This suffering we endure will be in pursuit of a vision. This vision has yet to be revealed to me fully but I think it will be worth the struggle and the possibility of failure.

For, in such risky endeavours there is always the chance that we shall charge off into the darkness and never be seen again. That our underdog story will not work out how things do in films and books.

But a friend of mine made this equation to help in deciding whether things are worth doing:

1) Will it work?
If yes, go to 4
If no, go to 2

2) Will it make a good story?
If yes, go to 4
If no, go to 3

3) Don't do it
4) Do it.

It may be the gulfs shall wash us down, but it will be a hell of a ride and I'll be damned if I say that I won't have lived because of it.

So it is.

If you see me, can you give me a hug? I will need it. A cup of tea wouldn't go amiss either ;)

Ramalam