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Monday, November 19, 2007

New rant up on ramrage if you are interested.

Ram

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Realisation Report

Part of my quest for enlightenment is to face the person that I really am. Lama Surya Das was asked when he returned to the United States after being in Nepal and Tibet for years (he was born a New York Jew);
"What have you learnt from your studies?"
Lama Surya Das answered spontaneously

"I am not who I think I am."

Within that is the essence of facing up to who I am. I tell myself I am a certain way all the time, everyday. I lead a thousand fantasy lives in my brain but not of those is the real me.

I think I heard on the television recently someone say, 'you can travel all over the world, but unless you have journeyed inside yourself, you haven't been anywhere." I could loook for myself all over the globe, even into space, but the fact remains I WAS HERE ALL ALONG.

So, in this vein I have learnt some new things about myself. These things are not easy for me to face sometimes but in other places I have found things I am proud of.

I get easly depressed about money, especially about not having enough. Not that I am greedy but a new bill will bring me right now and cast a gloomy eye over everything else. I convinced myself that I didn't deserve Jo because I was down about money the other day.

I have found where my courage is. I have found that there are some things that I won't compromise on.

There are ingrained habits I have. I blame myself for a lot of things that aren't my fault. I can't take compliments very easily. I can't take criticism most of the time. I like to talk about myself most of the time.

I like getting drunk. I don't think I am an alcoholic, but I certainly like being drunk. It loosens my tongue. This is not a good thing.

A knowledge of London is important to me. Feeling knowledgable about things I SHOULD be knowledgable about is very important to me. When I can't answered people's questions I feel bad. However I am not afraid to admit I do not know something.

Part of my would like to be a guru that others turn to in times of worry. But I am realistic that because of the above I VERY RARELY know what to say and have the answers.

I relentlessly quote things. Referential honour seems to bring me joy. But at the same time I worry this does not make me witty at all.

When life is happening, I am often somewhere else.

I really do love my family, friends and Jo.

Ram