Friday, February 13, 2015

Luxury worries

There are plenty of things I worry about.

I worry about falling in love or not.  I worry about how I will support my non-existent wife and children.  I worry about pensions and my tax return.  I worry about whether people like me.  I worry about when I will get to read that book I want, or see that film I want.  I worry I eat too much cheese, or sugar or drink too much alcohol.  I worry about my broadband bill.

I worry about a lot of things which are essentially luxuries to worry about.  I don't have to worry that my Father is going to marry me off, 'Game of Thrones' style to someone to secure a political alliance.  I don't have to worry about how I am going to shelter, clothe, feed, educate and keep healthy my children.  I don't have to worry about how I am going to afford to pay protection money or how I am going to survive on the pittance my pimp/handler would give me.

If I have a point, it is that I notice this and I wish I could do more about helping those who do have those worries everyday.


Sunday, May 25, 2014

Looking back across the chasm

Nel.  (Copywright with my Mum).

If you came expecting a rant about UKIP, prepared to be disappointed, although I did find it amusing that their spokesman said they did not gain in London because people there are 'educated, cultured, and young'.  Speaks volumes I suppose.

I have other places I update more regularly so this place is for the Soul and most recently the same old comments about me have surfaced:

  1. I think too much/overthink (not necessarily a bad thing, except where it prevents action - see 2)
  2. Lack of confidence (the ongoing problem - people tell me to trust my instincts more, to speak up when I think of something because of 1 but the risk for me often seems too great.  I have said the wrong thing and upset people, made myself seem moronic or worse.  There is also the problem of 3)
  3. Something I didn't see when I was in the Man-cave last year was that, where it comes to women I now seem unable to trust my feelings.  I can trust my instincts about them but I am filled with crippling doubt about my own feelings and that is a serious problem when it comes to romance.  All my own fault of course, which perhaps leads us back to 1.
Doubt, they say can be a great teacher but it can also hold you back.


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

My Mum's dog Nel at Rydal.  No particular reason.  I have plenty of things worth ranting about but I don't want to.  Hopefully that means I am feeling better.  I hope so.

Perhaps more than any other animal, I enjoy the company of dogs.

Nel on Grizzdale Pike.

I guess it must be the pack animal in me but nothing makes me happier than being around a dog.


Copywrite for pictures resides with my Mum.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I don't want to be your friend

I just wanna be your lover
Facebook makes me depressed, Twitter makes me feel ubiquitous, Livejournal makes me feel useless, the less said about Hi5 and WAYN the better.

The worst part about each is that you look back on the relationships you used to have and see how far we have drifted from them - in an age that is meant to bring us all together.

The worst part is that we are all social network chicks, each screaming in each others faces to be heard above the din, then when we are, we don't know what to say.  In an age where technology gives us a voice, we find we have no wisdom which to impart.

The worst part is that you end up feeling connected to people you haven't seen in years who pour out their secrets to you and you feel like a confidant when really you are a voyeur.  In an age where information should make us powerful, it really makes us vulnerable.  To ourselves, to each other.

The problem is not that we learn violence from video games, or bad language from television but that we spend more time waiting for the black mirror to show us colour that we cannot see the friends we made those memories with, hear the wails of others or be able to offer genuine human contact.

You and I might be able to address this, with our fancy clothes and social mobility but think on those who can't.  Who just have memory, volume and reach exceeding their grasp. 

They feel even worse. 

Then they feel angry.

Then riots happen.


Saturday, March 30, 2013

My love is bigger than your love

Sing it

What do you want?  Go away.

You want another late night rant?  Well it is late and I feel the bile rising but that tide is only going to wash me into the cave once again.  That dark, dank cave where I can see only myself reflected in the dark mirror of the pool.  Where I can retreat, where I can think.

Men tend to deal with things this way.  Retreat.  Analyse.  Request advice if required.  Resolve.

I wish I was more phlegmatic.  More considered and more able to hold attention with a few, well chosen words.  See with diamond-like vision and speak with skillful words.  Perhaps when I am grown up.

The point I am here to make, not that it needs making of course, much the same as any other tired/drunk vacuous spite-filled misanthropic verbiage that crawls from the chasm of my id to squat, fat and turgid on the front-page of this blog.

Mixed metaphors aside the point I want to make, whether I should make it or not is this.  I've got some pretty cool projects coming up, projects that will occupy much of my time and I expect I will be very excited about them because I am.  But that is different from what I feel inside.

What I feel inside is the retreat, to the hermitage, to the cave, to the mountain, whatever.  Withdraw, go dark, whatever you want to call it.  That's where I am going.  Back into the dark (long time readers of the blog will know what that means). I feel it is necessary in light of recent events.

But then, perhaps the cave is a tunnel.

See you on the other side.


Sunday, February 17, 2013

"Always I want to be
What others see as the best in me
The reality of a fantasy.
But we are not who we think we are
Even if others think we are better
Than we think we are.

Those who see the best in us
See only an illusion, a mask
Of who we want to be.

But thinking so we think, that
Is only our opinion of ourselves
And behaving as we believe we
Believe others believe us to be
IS the fantasy

Calculating deeds to perceived fantasies
Echoes more on our own beliefs
Than any reflections we have seen
So we act upon our own mind
Becoming who we want to be
And leaving all doubt behind"


Wednesday, February 13, 2013

"There are times when
Meeting someone new
Their personality strikes you
And their smile just then
Takes your breath away.

As conversational flowers bloom
Pulses rise, iris dilates
She is all seven shades of lovely
I study her and warmth flows from her joyous being
But now that I think about it
I cannot remember much of what was said and
The warmth is now an iron gone cold."