'the finest exoskeleton'
Future of the Left, 'Small bones, small bodies'

I am back into reviewing. Check out for a fine event network site for which I will be reviewing many things. My reviews will step up in the new year.

Will add to the sidebar. Check it out, join it, be my plus one to many exciting things.

December seems to be flying by in a flurry of hard working weeks and relaxing weekends with S. Saw my Dad for his birthday briefly and saw a load of good mates. Got the Xmas dinner and Xmas floor party this week and I have next week off! Brother's birthday on monday. I cannot believe it is Christmas day next friday, I really must do some shopping.

As for me in myself, I have mixed feelings about my new shiny permanent contract at ILM, on the one hand, security, but on the other, I haven't made as much progress towards where I really want to be this year as I had hoped. But I did make some progress, I guess for some of us it takes longer than others. I may seem to despair but all I need is a hug and a cup of tea and I will get back in there. Please do not give up on me and I will not give up on myself.

Feliz Navidad.

P.

And for those of you wanting showbiz leaks, check this one out.



You didn't see it here.

I am now a novellist. I am proud of myself. This does not happen to me very often.

P.

As the last week looms and my word count grows I find myself scared that I won't be able to fit my gripping conclusion into the 50,000 word count. What I mean by that is I fully expect to be frantically typing or writing close to the deadline and the fact that I can go over the word count will not be the issue, the fact that I won't REACH the wordcount AND not finish the story is the problem.

I have however really enjoyed this experience. My pathetic efforts last year were mere jogs to the bus stop compared to the marathon I have run this year. Sure, there has been stress about falling behind the word count and having to miss events due to having to get home to write but those are all part of the fun.

I guess the next step is gaining the courage to write the second draft in December and onward and then the terrifying step of handing the manuscript to someone else (I think S. will get first dibs, then Ruth as I promised I would show her some of my writing someday).

Speaking of S. (and posts becoming more rambling), she is now back in the UK. Still recovering but generally well and her usual happy self. It makes me smile and lifts my heart as if it were attached to a brightly coloured helium balloon. Maybe I should save such creative descriptions for my novel...

Until next time.

Peat.

After much deliberation, S. is coming home. No I do not know when yet, but it will be soon.

Yesterday I attended White Mischief's retelling of the Castle of Bluebeard story which was great fun. It was within a 1700 Georgian mansion and in addition to the live ghost story the club was good fun. I was impressed how everyone was dressed up and it was like one of those parties you see in films and scoff at for being unrealistic.

Tonight I will be meeting friends for a friends stag/hen thing, I expect there will be more clubbing and drinking.

In between all this socialising I took all the recycling out and re-arranged my room. This was long overdue and I feel a lot better for doing it. So now some dinner before I go out.

See you all soon.

P.

I don't know how to write all this stuff in a clever or witty way today so I am just going to start hitting the keys. Hopefully in the right order.

S. injured herself in the USA and is still ill as a result. They are threatening to send her home because (as a result of her injury) she CANNOT do the work. This seems unfair to her and I am obviously worried that she is still unwell. Not a lot I can do from here, but I did persuade her to go to the Doctor for the umpteenth time. Of course, in the US, this means she is racking up a massive medical bill which she needs to resolve.

The Clockwork Quartet has now sold out for the saturday evening performance, but tickets are still available for the thursday and friday performances. I get more and more excited about this as the days count down.

My calendar looks quite busy for the next few weeks which is always good, though it looks like I will miss out on the Sci-fi-London Oktoberfest meaning I won't have gone to either of the Sci-fi-London film festivals this year. I have always gone to SOMETHING each year. This is a little sad.

I need to see all my close friends whom I haven't seen in a while.

P.

Tickets are now on sale for The Clockwork Quartet.

Honestly, I think people will be blown away by the talent of this group.

#But you are young and will forget, the misadventures of your youth,#

'The Greatest Sadness' from 'The Clockwork Quartet'

So, in the past week I have downloaded and enstalled Skype and a webcam, allowing me to talk to S. and my Dad for free and see each other. This is much nicer than a phone call. If you want to speak to me this way let me know.

In a way this is good because it means I can talk to S. but also makes me miss her because I am reminded I cannot wrap my arms around her.

On saturday there was a production meeting for the Clockwork Quartet and we attended the rehearsal which was very encouraging. I think people will be blown away by the talent of the musicians and I shall certainly do all I can to make them shine.

On sunday I danced the Minuet at Valentines Mansion, which I think was a success. I didn't make any MASSIVE mistakes and the mistakes I did make we covered for pretty slickly. Ruth and Will came to watch.

Then sunday evening I just wanted some time to myself so I watched all of 'We are Klang' and made a start on series 5 of 'Peep Show'. I am sorry I had to miss my friend Jase's birthday party but as shown, I had commitments I could not break.

Peat.

#Everynight I'll send a prayer across the waves
And you, will wait for me
And I, will wait for you.#

Stu Heading/Quesada and Molino/The Patient Wild 'Captain's prayer'

S. is now in the USA. Follow her exciting adventures over at The Constellation of Zan which I created for her. I'll add a link to the sidebar.

S. now being in the USA has caused me to generally mope around and sigh deeply whenever I get a free moment. I expect this to continue for some time. I am of course, very excited and happy for her, but I miss her terribly.

In other news it is Summerfest this weekend, where I will probably run around like crazy with plot and stuff. But hopefully it will be fun.

Until I see you next!

P.

THAT'S THE POWER OF HUG

Jen sent me this song on facebook so I thought I would share it here.

#Fragile...he is a knight in shining armour...whenever there is a disaster...look to fragile for he is the friendly giant....fragile...he is the friendliest and caring guy you will ever know...fragile...he would dress up and pretend to be a snow........man...fragile....the best vegetarian sword fighter....fragile....(i could go on and on...but thats my new song...!!)#

Jen, amongst others have remarked that I am quite huggable. S. says that hugging me is like the first sip of tea, it just makes things that bit better, it just sets you right. I don't know if I have a special way of hugging, or what x-factor makes me huggable but whatever it is I am glad because I like hugging and it it good for you to hug.

So hug someone today if you are able :)

*HUGS* Not available in stores.

AUGUST

Renamed in honour of Augustus Caesar in 8 BC.

Seeing S. for most weekends until she goes to the USA. I expect I shall mope around for a bit when that happens, though I am trying very hard not to mope around now about that fact. It would seem wrong to lament something that has yet to happen, feeling sad for something that has yet to come to pass seems a wasted effort when we could be enjoying our time together instead :)

Meeting Dan and Liene on friday to celebrate their engagement! Lauren and Tom get married on the 22nd. The weekend after that is Summerfest and I have booked time off work around that.

Hope to see you all soon!

P.

Sadly I did not make it onto the Stage Manager course I wished. But I will continue to apply for jobs and write.

This weekend looks crammed, like everyone weekend I have had this year. The months fall off the calendar as I waste the week and live for the weekend. As my Father keeps asking me 'Do you live to work or work to live?'. The latter is obvious, but why can I not have both? I think I would rather have a job I enjoyed rather than the near-zombie-like state I seem to spend most of my time in. It isn't a bad job either.

Other spheres are great, Minuet performance on saturday was great fun, even playing a 'cad' as we taught the 'Language of the fan' (33 coded signals!). Larp is good fun. Am going to see 'Waiting for Godot' next week. There is even a lovely girl on the horizon. I guess I am just a stereotypical man, letting my confidence (and much of my image of myself) be defined by the job I have. Must break this cycle, but even if I don't my contract runs out in September so I will have to shake my life up again either way.

That is such a comfort to me :)

:D and the world :) with you

I am published again within La Bouche magazine.

I am adding a link to the sidebar to celebrate!

P.

There is someone in the garden

There is Someone in the Garden from alittlepoison on Vimeo.

"There is a terrible strength in those tightly wound springs..."



The Clockwork Quartet, whom I have the pleasure of working backstage for. Keep up to date by visiting the website which I have now added to the sidebar. Feel free to listen to the tunes up there and more ones will be up soon.

This week is a busy one. I had dinner with Will and Ruth last night, drinks with Dad tonight, minuet tommorrow and dinner with Jamie on thursday.

Friday and saturday I shall dedicate to writing my latest article. Sunday I am running a mission at Fools and Heroes larp, not entirely sure what yet but we shall see.

Love live continues to be mainly howling at the moon but I suppose that is to be expected considering how shy I am. In all honesty I am not sure my mind is in the right place for a girlfriend at this time.

Work continues, but with exciting opportunities at the sides such as investigative journalism and stage work.

If I haven't seen you recently I hope to see you soon.

Peat.

LET'S ALL BECOME PIRATES

I have met two imposters, named Triumph and Disaster. As I watched 'Coraline' above I came to think on my lot in life.

Disaster told me that I no longer work for Extraextra. In truth I think I saw this coming. I let my work slip and had my three strikes. I am not too sad because it is my own damn fault. I will remove the link on the sidebar at some point.

Triumph tells me my best friend began work as a Policeman in the Met. On monday he saw his first dead body.

All good things must begin and come to an end, it is as natural to die as to be born. The end of one thing is the beginning of another.

I learn from my failure. The next time I take a reviewing job I will always allow adequate time to the aftermath, not just the event, I have gained invalauble experience on the subject and losing something I enjoyed has spurred me into a new search for genuine fulfillment and contentment. Disaster, like a minute fall on my path in life has woken me up.

Disaster is an imposter because it makes us feel so down and sad when the truth is that it is the inevitable result of everything. Everything changes and is constantly changing. It lies that this is THE END, that you will never be happy again, or having anything worth as much.

Triumph is an imposter because it implies that this is 'how things are going to be from now on', as if overcoming that hurdle makes everything better. Who has not felt that the sun shines brighter and 'everything will be alright' when Triumph arrives. But in truth it is not, everything is always changing.

Treat those two imposters just the same, as if they had buttons for eyes.

DECONSTRUCTING RAMALAM

I do not feel very well in myself. There are perhaps a number of reasons for this. But the long and short of it is, I want to change myself into a better person, a person I am more comfortable being. I want to lose both sides of the Ego coin that is my vanity and my self-deprecation.

So I intend to renew my spiritual journey and I hope that spending a weekend out of the city, in the countryside of Wales will allow me to become more zen again.

Om mani pedme hung

My friends are driving across Europe in a car decorated like a cow and dressed as Amish to raise money for charity as part of the Sucata Split run (NOT a race, a tour they assure me).

Follow all the action at the Amish Paradise

I may well add the link to the sidebar as well.

Ram

Looking through the looking glass of past truths:

Following the initial crushing agony:

"I debated whether or not to email you again but given as not responding the norm for you rather than the sign of a raw nerve hit I decided to go ahead. I didn't want to send a 'be strong buddy' type message because they are f*cking pointless so here goes.

I wanted to let you know that things will get better, you will stop hurting, you won't get over it (ever - I still can't be nice to X) but in time you'll learn the tools you need to deal with this.

Don't expect to 'move on' any time soon. the idea that you can pull up your socks and get on with it is bullsh*t, as is the idea that you can be friends. Don't beat yourself up about it if you don't want to be friends (if you do your a better man than me) and don't make yourself feel worse when you realise you still feel like sh*t.

It is going to take a long time, months, possibly years, it is going to get easier but at times it is going to get harder, much harder. She will be with someone else, you are going to have to evolve what you need to cope with this.

In 6 months you remember something about her and it will hurt as bad as it does now. But not for as long.

Don't give in to your pain, alcohol, drugs and self harm will not make you feel better, they take far more than they give back.

Remember your are surrounded by people who love you and want to help you get through this."

This message helped me so much over the past year. This reminder, coupled with seeing 'The Killing of Mr Toad' at the Finborough theatre last night has reminded me how lucky I am to have so many good friends and family.

My heart is fit to burst with love :)

For the lookglass of truth:

"Hello,

Just read the blog, and I have to say I think you're doing the right thing. Our own actions are the only thing we actually control with any degree of certainbty, after all.

And because other people often put things better than me, here's a quote from Greil Marcus: "Gang of Four's music was always about resistance, but it was not the reistance of the rebel against the ruler. It was about the resistance of the rebel against him or herself."

From that forgotten archive of conversations you just can't delete from social networking sites, phones, emails and so on.

From: Ram
Subject: Just read your LJ
There isn't much that I can say. Expect many many hugs next time I see you.

For what it is worth, I believe it is for the best and ultimately you'll be happier. That's probably not much comfort, but know that Jo and I are there for you.

Reply:
is good to know people like you, who I trust, think I'm doing the right thing. I think I am too. Hugs always accepted.

see more Lol Celebs

A SINGLE YEAR

It was one year ago yesterday. This day last year was not a pleasant one, on the verge of tears every other second, my whole being drained out of my with every movement. That yawning chasm opened in my stomach every time I stood by the coffee machine, looked out the window or put down the phone.

That day was before I had told any friends, before anyone had a chance to console me and put me back on the track to humanity. That day was spent in a dream-like non-existence, like deep grief.

Then as I tried to implode with pain and sadness there was a sharp twang from my right hand side. My lung cried out in pain.
"Not again," I thought. Stumbled over to St Bart's hospital but they had no A&E so I met my Mum and we went to UCH. I had another x-ray but it turns out that there was no relapse to a pneumothorax.

Mum and I had lunch and I cried my eyes out. From that moment on it was about a year long journey back to humanity. I realise now that people really did pull out the stops to help me get it together again. I just want to thank all of them. Thanks.

Ram.

TALES FROM THE GEEKOSPHERE 3:

From notalwaysright.com

(A couple walk in, the lady in front, the man trailing tiredly behind. The lady spins around the store.)

Me: “Can I help you with anything today?”

Lady: “I need these pants in size 0, pronto.”

Me: “Who are you getting them for?”

Lady: “MYSELF! What do you think!”

(I get her what she wants, she takes them and goes into a change room.)

Lady: “HEY, these are defective! Get me another pair!”

Me: “May I suggest a bigger size?”

Lady: “Are you saying I look fat? That I can’t fit into these pants?! I’ll have you know, I always wear size 0… these pants must be made wrong! Now get me another pair!”

Man: “Honey, those are really small pants, just try a slightly bigger one.”

(Without a pause, she turns around and slaps the man.)

Lady: “Why can’t you just be on my side! That was so rude! You’re sleeping on the couch tonight!”

Man: “We don’t live together.”

Lady: “What do you mean! We moved in last week… remember?”

Man: “No… we don’t live together.”

(The lady realizes he’s not caving. She flicks a look at me, then tries a different route.)

Lady: “Well, I mean, you’re still sleeping on the couch in your own apartment! To show remorse for disrespecting me. Or else!”

Man: “Or else what?”

Lady: “Or else I’m dumping your a**!”

Man: “… Okay.”

Lady: “You just–you just like HER, don’t–” *walks out fast, sobbing*

(The man stayed behind and apologized to me. My shift was ending so we went for dinner, and long story short he’s now my fiance! Couldn’t ask for a better man, and I’ve got to thank that lady someday for making it all possible…)

KARMA is like the most complex series of interlinking chains bound by many locks. We never know what doors they may open, so we must always choose the ones guided by kindness.

GEEKOSPHERE SIGNPOST:

Graham Linehan's blog
I found this, expecting to find a similar brand of hilarious ranting that I read on Charlie Brooker's column for the Guardian.

Instead I found a signpost to an article in the Scottish Sunday Express concerning the survivors of the Dunblane massacre. But don't read my summary, read the story yourself. Go and do it now, otherwise the following will not make sense.

What Linehan mentions at the end is the balance between a free press and the censorship of it. This is a thorny issue, but in the scandal around the above story one has to deal with it.

The liberal side of me cries out that this kind of journalistic mistake is an isolated incident and the tragic price we pay for our freedom of speech. The resulting campaign for an apology is my expected reaction and I am glad it happened. I would imagine that in the future when journalists forget that they are meant to inform the public rather than conjur scandal from some celebrity candy ether a similar uproar will occur. We cannot drift down the river of increased censorship lest we come to the shores of STATE CENSORSHIP (something my other blog has ranted about recently).

The side of me that dips his toe on the right thinks that perhaps we should empower our ombudsmen and regulatory bodies to prevent this kind of intrusive journalism. Actually, come to think of it, the strong ombudsmen (Ofcom, Enerygywatch, Trading Standards etc) seem only to help people so perhaps this is not a bad idea.

But what strikes me as the secondary injustice in all of this is the way SSE has turned their apology into both advertising for their Brand and weaseled our of blame and responsibility. But, many many people signed the petition and many people will not purchase the paper again.

Anyway, I drew attention to it here because Graham Linehan (who is a man I respect) said that this is an issue that journalists should cover and this being one of the few places I am published I felt it best to mention it.

R.

TALES FROM THE GEEKOSPHERE 2:

Teh internetz sure is a funny place:

My new favourite webcomix:
MS Paint Adventures!
Like playing a text based adventure that causes knives of illogic to stab your funny bones.

Hark! A Vagrant!
Ridiculous, mainly historical humour with that dash of surrealism I love so much.

Then the most amusing,Not always right
which is like a FAILBlog of stories.

As for my life? I am in a very silly mood because of the above, which is good because I am anticipating a fun-filled weekend. Seeing WATCHMEN tonight, working on RPGs tommorrow and LARPing on sunday. Also it is Mother's day so I shall be honouring my Mum as best I can.

Onward, brave yet post-modern soldiers!

R.

TALES FROM THE GEEKOSPHERE:

Overheard in Forbidden Planet Shaftesbury Avenue:

"So I said to my little cousin, If you want to play outside, take your brother with you but you have to look after him. You know, make sure he is safe and alright, like an adult would. So he looked up at me and asked, 'You mean, like Spider-man would?' It was then I knew and I said, 'You will go far my boy'."

Ram.

EXTRA EXTRA

I now review theatre for the online magazine, 'ExtraExtra'. The magazine is written by creative writers rather than professional reviewers. I have added the website to the sidebar.

On friday 6th I reviewed 'Austentatious' a musical comedy at the Landor Theatre.

Tonight I review 'The Flies', the Jean Paul Sartre play re-imagined with indie music. Should be interesting, be sure to read my review online.

I feel like doing something silly afterward, like leaping on a train to Bristol and seeing my friends over there.

Ram.

BACK WHERE WE STARTED:

When making jokes at the expense of others, we walk a fine line between playful joshing and upsetting mocking. I crossed that boundary on sunday without realising. I realised yesterday when from two different angles I understood that I had upset some close friends for entirely seperate reasons.

It wasn't that the joke was politically incorrect or offensive, it was just hurtful when seen in a certain context. I think perhaps because I profess to hold myself to a set of morals and ethics, when I break that integrity, even slightly the force is greater. In the same way that I have commented before about how, should I feel I need to push back to prevent people bullying me or something I do not have to push back hard, the impact is greater because I normally simply turn the other cheek without a thought. So it was that when I let that guard down, bipassed that mental checkpoint I found I had hurt those I care about by simply my words.

Of course, as soon as I learned of this I threw myself into a torrent of inner-directed rage, thrashing my brain with the lash of guilt and flaggelating myself with self-loathing. But this time I realised that no declaration of a return to 'right speech' or angst-filled vows of silence would do this time. I had made such attention-seeking outbursts before and not yet being skilled enough I had broken them.

Therefore I feel that the only thing I can say is that this was a reminder of why right speech is so important. I must be skillful with my words and not harmful, I must consider before I speak. Popularity through humour can be such a double-edged sword in the current comedy climate. Therefore, with this lesson learned I shall travel on with mindfulness and skill.

Ram.
P.S I am sorry for upsetting you both and any others I do not yet know of.

GOTH:GEEK

The last time I organised a night out to a club that was of the same scale as tonight it was 2007. My small gothic army gathered at the Intrepid Fox before invading Sin. A good time was had by all, despite the confusion over buses at the end and strangers in my home.

However, it seemed like a lifetime ago and my peers all agreed that another night like that was needed, so I arranged another one for tonight. World's end followed by Electric Ballroom. I searched for other decent goth/metal/rock nights but there weren't any convenient/had the right style/etc. So we are left with the classic World's end/Electric ballroom combo. This is not a bad thing but it is not original. Perhaps next time I shall be more adventurous, but then I run the risk of less people coming. Only the truely epic ones like that night in 2007 and tonight will be remember with that wistful nostalgia of 'that night at...that was a good night'.

Organising something on this scale is a tad like a military operation, with locations, timings and communications being the most important part. Some people are working late, some people not, some going to see 'Watchmen' (lucky gits) and some aren't, some can only come for a drink, some can only come for clubbing and so on.

Then fate throws me a fork in the road. In the form of the opportunity to become a Theatre reviewer. On the same day, at the same time, on the opposite side of the city.

Now, the magazine have stated that they are unlikely to employ someone they have to chase so I throw caution to the wind and say 'yes! I will review for you this friday!' So I am, THEN heading over to Camden for drinking and dancing. I have appointed my good friend Magnus to act in my stead as the nexus of my New Gothic Army until I arrive. This kind of recklessness is exactly the SAME sort of spirit I had back in 2007 when I invited ALL spheres of my life into one house for a party.

It is also, this spirit that I can already feel buzzing through my comrades, stirring itself up through texts and phonecalls, climbing upon itself as makeup is applied, corsetry fastened, new rocks scaled and best T-shirts worn. The tensing of muscles ready to headbang, jump and ROCK OUT!

So when i sit there, waiting for the curtain to rise in the theatre I shall lean back and sip a drink thinking

"Gandalf my old friend, this will be a night to remember."

I seem to have leapt willingly onto a rollercoaster. Not sure if this was a good idea.

Also, I didn't get the job I was interviewed for last week. But I will persevere!

Stay cool.

Ram.

see more Loldogs

In the spirit of getting back to bearing my soul (what this blog was originally about) I shall start with some more truths about myself.

I am scared of spiders.

More tommorrow!

Ram

The Geek Horizon:

I am compelled (via the sudden rising bubble of memory) to write about an incident where my incessant quoting proved not only amusing but useful.

I was on my second ever archaeological dig, this one at the Roman Villa of Barcombe back in the sunny summer of 2003. It was here that friendships were built that continue to last (though somewhat dimmed by distance and time). It was also here that the rule of courtly love

'a new love puts flight to an old one'

became a reality for me. Having pined over a friend for many many months I met someone new who blasted that all away. Feeling the warming glow of confidence I began to do things more heroic and come out of my shell more.

One morning, I escaped the chaos of the breakfast table to assemble to trek the twenty or so minutes to site. However, it seemed that I was only one of a few who had gotten up from breakfast to enter the direct sunshine. The others weren't lazy, hungover or refusing, they were just too embroiled in their conversation. Our tutor, turned to me and asked me to get them out of there. As I walked back towards the dining hut I began to think of the quickest way to get them all to move.

I slammed the door open.

I slammed my palm on the table.

Silence filled the hall.

"Morpheus is fighting Neo!" I cried and sprinted out of the room, everyone following me.

*gasp* I have an interview for an internship at a theatre next tuesday.

I am now terrified.

Haircut:

I have made a few changes around The Pasty and Ramrage to keep things fresh and help people find the links more easily. There are some new links up as well, check them out.

Those January blues seem to be hitting some people hard at the moment. I wish there was more I could do help. It sucks when something you arrange months ago gets in the way of doing something you really NEED to.

I went to Carnival Des Phenomenes again last night and it was good as always. It was nice to see friends and laugh at some genuinely good standup. Check it out when you can, it is usually in Timeout and last year was at the Edinburgh fringe festival.

Another meeting of the covent garden minuet company tonight (see link), enjoyable and if things go to plan I will be dancing on the 28th of March in front of real people! Scary.

I know it seems like I say this every january but I feel good about 2009. 2008 I sensed hardship and boy was their hardship. This year is going to be different.

I will do a proper update soon and normal soul-baring service will resume. In the meantime, please check out the rants on Ramrage.

EMAHO!

2009:

Following the dooming crash in 2008 (where I lost my flat, job, girlfriend and lung all in the space of a couple of months) I spent most of the rest of the year restoring myself. It was thanks to my friends a loved ones that this was possible and for that I give my thanks and love.

As for this year, amidst all the resolutions I have made a few which I hope to keep and by this time next year feel much more proud of myself for it.

There is also a new rant on ramrage.

Ram