DECONSTRUCTING RAMALAM

I do not feel very well in myself. There are perhaps a number of reasons for this. But the long and short of it is, I want to change myself into a better person, a person I am more comfortable being. I want to lose both sides of the Ego coin that is my vanity and my self-deprecation.

So I intend to renew my spiritual journey and I hope that spending a weekend out of the city, in the countryside of Wales will allow me to become more zen again.

Om mani pedme hung

My friends are driving across Europe in a car decorated like a cow and dressed as Amish to raise money for charity as part of the Sucata Split run (NOT a race, a tour they assure me).

Follow all the action at the Amish Paradise

I may well add the link to the sidebar as well.

Ram

Looking through the looking glass of past truths:

Following the initial crushing agony:

"I debated whether or not to email you again but given as not responding the norm for you rather than the sign of a raw nerve hit I decided to go ahead. I didn't want to send a 'be strong buddy' type message because they are f*cking pointless so here goes.

I wanted to let you know that things will get better, you will stop hurting, you won't get over it (ever - I still can't be nice to X) but in time you'll learn the tools you need to deal with this.

Don't expect to 'move on' any time soon. the idea that you can pull up your socks and get on with it is bullsh*t, as is the idea that you can be friends. Don't beat yourself up about it if you don't want to be friends (if you do your a better man than me) and don't make yourself feel worse when you realise you still feel like sh*t.

It is going to take a long time, months, possibly years, it is going to get easier but at times it is going to get harder, much harder. She will be with someone else, you are going to have to evolve what you need to cope with this.

In 6 months you remember something about her and it will hurt as bad as it does now. But not for as long.

Don't give in to your pain, alcohol, drugs and self harm will not make you feel better, they take far more than they give back.

Remember your are surrounded by people who love you and want to help you get through this."

This message helped me so much over the past year. This reminder, coupled with seeing 'The Killing of Mr Toad' at the Finborough theatre last night has reminded me how lucky I am to have so many good friends and family.

My heart is fit to burst with love :)

For the lookglass of truth:

"Hello,

Just read the blog, and I have to say I think you're doing the right thing. Our own actions are the only thing we actually control with any degree of certainbty, after all.

And because other people often put things better than me, here's a quote from Greil Marcus: "Gang of Four's music was always about resistance, but it was not the reistance of the rebel against the ruler. It was about the resistance of the rebel against him or herself."

From that forgotten archive of conversations you just can't delete from social networking sites, phones, emails and so on.

From: Ram
Subject: Just read your LJ
There isn't much that I can say. Expect many many hugs next time I see you.

For what it is worth, I believe it is for the best and ultimately you'll be happier. That's probably not much comfort, but know that Jo and I are there for you.

Reply:
is good to know people like you, who I trust, think I'm doing the right thing. I think I am too. Hugs always accepted.

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A SINGLE YEAR

It was one year ago yesterday. This day last year was not a pleasant one, on the verge of tears every other second, my whole being drained out of my with every movement. That yawning chasm opened in my stomach every time I stood by the coffee machine, looked out the window or put down the phone.

That day was before I had told any friends, before anyone had a chance to console me and put me back on the track to humanity. That day was spent in a dream-like non-existence, like deep grief.

Then as I tried to implode with pain and sadness there was a sharp twang from my right hand side. My lung cried out in pain.
"Not again," I thought. Stumbled over to St Bart's hospital but they had no A&E so I met my Mum and we went to UCH. I had another x-ray but it turns out that there was no relapse to a pneumothorax.

Mum and I had lunch and I cried my eyes out. From that moment on it was about a year long journey back to humanity. I realise now that people really did pull out the stops to help me get it together again. I just want to thank all of them. Thanks.

Ram.