Settling that question...

You are The Magician

Skill, wisdom, adaptation. Craft, cunning, depending on dignity.

Eleoquent and charismatic both verbally and in writing,
you are clever, witty, inventive and persuasive.

The Magician is the male power of creation, creation by willpower and desire. In that ancient sense, it is the ability to make things so just by speaking them aloud. Reflecting this is the fact that the Magician is represented by Mercury. He represents the gift of tongues, a smooth talker, a salesman. Also clever with the slight of hand and a medicine man - either a real doctor or someone trying to sell you snake oil.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I wonder what I should have answered to get 'The Hierophant'. Probably to have said I was religious in some way. Whatever.

Merry Christmas everybody!!!

What FRIENDS character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Kinda who I expected to be honest, at least the result was a bloke!

Anyway, I find it amazing that I've been posting more than Tom and Steve (I guess they just lead more interesting lives).

I don't really have a lot to say other than a final invite to this weekend's festivities, particularly to 'The Ringmaster' of Circus fame to come to the double bill of the Corpse Bride and Nightmare before Christmas on sunday. Starts at 4:20pm!

On a more neurotic note, I've been feeling very tired of myself recently. As if I've been fake for some time at just realised it. I think I know why this is though, I think SO much about what other people think of me, all the time. Particularly girls, I'm always trying to be charming or the 'humble-nice guy' type from every god-damn Richard Curtis film. Why try to be something I'm not? Anyway, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of being fake to women, yet at the same time, I know being the broken, messed up, geek-loser I am won't get them to like me.

Whatever.

I'm not feeling that down about it, just a little tired in my head. Really looking forward to seeing everyone this weekend though and for those I don't see I hope to see you soon over xmas or in the New Year!

Seasons greetings and wishes for a happy holiday!

Ram.

Which Magical Element Are You???
brought to you by Quizilla


Tommorrow Never Knows...

What with the recent explosion of the blogging network of my friends all finding each others blogs and all agreing that The Circus is the best (If you read it, you should comment on it to show my brother that you do read!) I have been looking back upon my rantings and mumblings and can see how much I've changed.

Neil Gaiman wrote about how our bodies are completely renewed every seven years, so we inhereit our things from a dead person. But looking back over some of my entries, it's as if someone else wrote them. In a way, someone else did.

It goes to show that human activity is really building castles in the sand, fun but you have to let go of it. Everything is in motion, I can't hang onto anything.

I think most people know by now how much they mean to me.

I should also practice more 'right action' and drink less.

There is so much I should do before I die.

Ram.

CONFESSIONS OF A RAMALAM

(Or how I learnt to dismantle myself)

Sooner or later you will see this title appear in one of my blogs. Dread that day my friends because it will be the end of something. Perhaps of my illusion that all my concern for the world was actually just an act and my nice-guy persona shatters like a cheap christmas bauble.

Or perhaps it will mean the end of friendships. I don't know.

Maybe I should get it over with.

Confessions:

THE BAD
1. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Be so concerned about doing the right thing that you doubt everything. Be so fixated upon how to not hurt or offend someone that you have to question everything you do. This comes to something more than just paranoia when someone says something about you enough times you start to believe it yourself. Then you have to ask your mates whether it is true.

Be so afraid that you have the mates you have for a reasons other than friendship. For some hidious reason like 'to make yourself feel better'. Is that why I champion chivalry and being nice? To make myself feel better? Be afraid that your friends will dislike you for being you.

Be afraid that your parents love your brother more. Be afraid that you are drifting from your family.

Arrogance is something I cannot abide, so my other worst nightmare is that I am already arrogant. I seem to see evidence everywhere.

Be afraid of your lack of commitment to anything. Work, girls, goals, the world. I talk big but what do I actually DO about it?

THE GOOD
That maybe the above isn't true. Maybe these are just the fears that keep me from really becoming arrogant and evil. I do what I can, when I can. Maybe that is all I can do. Friends, true friends have seen deeper into you than you know. Whatever you might think they ARE your friends.

As Eddie Izzard said, "Blood is thicker than water, but milk is thicker than blood..." *Quizzical expression*. I don't think I could drift from my brother or my Mum and Dad.

And I realise that the above doesn't really matter. It's all in my head, if I just sat down calmly and meditated these fears just wash away, I would see them for what they really are...

Clouds in the sky. Fish, thrashing around on a beach, they flicker and flash and fade. The crumble to dust and are blown away.

I bid you welcome, Zenalam.

Ram.
That wasn't as bad as I thought.

My blog is worth $2,258.16.
How much is your blog worth?

Man I am becoming so lame these days. I'm not going to Dragonmeet today because I have my essay for monday to write over the weekend. I've been woosing out of everything lately to do my coursework and I think it's starting to piss people off. I just take people for granted and that has to stop. I've got to get out of this rut, and soon.

Last night I did go out with my old Housemate and great pal Dan and his girlfriend Liane. There was a group of us so it was a good night, but I did get a little meryy, but not in my usual really bad, start saying stupid things way. I must learn to just SHUT UP when I'm drinking but I get really chatty for some reason. It's not a good thing. Maybe I should stop drinking altogether. Considering what I just read on a friend's LJ I don't think that would be such a bad thing.

Anyway, I have to go and get some food or I'll starve.

Ram.
Determined to be good to his mates again.

Don't forget, Synthetic culture on 16th, party at mine on 17th (limited crash space) and then maybe a double bill of Corpse Bride and Nightmare before Christmas on the 18th. Could be the Best Weekend Ever.

Ratalam!

I got this off MSN's horoscope page stuff. By the way, I'm a Gemini.

1984: The Rat

Charming, Sociable, Resourceful, Quick-witted, Ambitious, Crafty, Self-serving.

While in the Western World the Rat is looked upon with disgust and revulsion, he is admired and honored in much of the East for his cleverness and aptitude for acquiring things of value. In China and Japan Rats are signs of good luck and prosperity.
The Rat is a charming creature capable of captivating almost anyone. Rats are connoisseurs who take pleasure in flaunting their style. They also possess a great sense of humor. Rats can be very protective and generous to those who are loyal to them.
Rats are also quite self-serving. They have their own goals and ambitions and will not hesitate to advance them. Those outside a Rat's social circle may find them easily riled and verbally abusive. Rats do not often pass up the opportunity to debate.
Rats are very curious about everything, and are always on the hunt for new information—anything that may be of use to them in the present or future.
The Rat’s biggest problem is they find it difficult to see beyond themselves. If they can find room for others they will be well on the way to true happiness.

Famous RATS Include:
Louis Armstrong, Shirley Bassey, Marlon Brando, Doris Day, Clark Gable, Hugh Grant, Charlton Heston, Gene Kelly, Glenda Jackson, Kris Kristofferson, Gary Lineker, Sean Penn, Burt Reynolds, Olivia Newton-John, Tommy Steele, Donna Summer, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Kim Wilde.

Ideal Jobs Include:
Financial advisor, Broker, Moneylender, Lawyer, Detective, Antique dealer, Auctioneer, Songwriter, Pathologist.

Lucky Numbers:
1, 4, 5, 10, 11, 14, 41, 45, 51, and 54.

Equivalent Western Sign: Sagittarius

Not sure if I agree with ALL of this above, but I find these things amusing nonetheless. Maybe I could be like a 'New Age' version of 'The Circus' with all the news and amusing stuff from 'Geekland'. No, wait that's everyone's blog ever. I'll just go back to baring my soul. At least I know no one else has that (unless they've broken my heart, in which case they have a piece).

Ram.

Don't have a lot of time to talk but things are going pretty well, just concerned that my essays will have to be rushed and a lot of hard work.

I'm also training to be a barman at ULU tommorrow which will be quite scary but should be alright.

Another concern-that I might not make the LARP event this weekend because I'll have to work. Shh, don't tell anyone I said that. What LARP event Mum? No, I'm working hard. Having to work and not LARP even though I said I would guys? Nope, I'm probably coming.

Damn. What is wrong with me? Essentially nothing, I don't KNOW I'm working this weekend so it's all up for grabs, you also have no reason to punish yourself for your own decisions. I'll reap what I sow, the only person who loses out if I have to work even harder for the essays is me. At least I'll have a good weekend out of it.

Oh, and I heard Eddie quote me the other day, she said 'Put responsibility where it belongs'. Although not technically MY quote she did hear it from me. There is hope for the girl yet (not because I'm great but the knowledge I pass onto her of great people is).

Confused? You will be. You will be.

Ram.

On another note, welcome back to Blogger Tom, you former pirate ;)

Also, there have been a few other changes around the pasty in the hope of making this a bit more user friendly :)

In a (perhaps foolish) attempt to be as cool as 'The Circus' I've added a 'Quote of the day' part to my blog which should change, funnily enough everyday!.

I've obviously not posted here since early October so I'll have to update with quite a bit (You would think).

The most important factor to my (presumed) old school readership is that I now go to meditation meetings at ULU with real Buddhist monks. They teach walking and sitting meditation and the atmosphere is amazing. The problem is that my mind is literaly (as Buddha describes) like a fish thrashing about on the shore. My mind goes nuts! It tries so hard to go off into itself and I have to keep pulling it back. Or I hear something and there is a desire to listen instead of concentrate.

Meditation is exhausting! But so worth it, everything eventually,


Slows



Right



Down.

To the point where you can see intention and action. Emaho.

I might start work behind the bar at ULU soon as well.

But my concerns (of which I tend to voice here) are not really concentrated upon myself, but on my mates. Some of them seem to have gotten into a torpor, or have difficult times ahead. I like to think I am there for all of them, with a patient, understanding attitude. Which I suppose is all I can do. Short of a crazy plan anyway!

As I wrote in my diary, it might seem that my family aren't included in my thoughts about looking after people. But nothing is farther from the truth. Having read Aldous Huxley's 'Island' (amazing by the way) the people of the island say how terms like 'mother' and 'father' are functions and when we grow up to no longer be (so) dependent upon them we must form new relationships with them, on an individual to individual basis and I like to think I have done that. So when I say 'mates' my family is in that.

I wonder if anyone reads this anymore...

Ram.

Just posted a new rant on Ramrage. Please read it as I think I make my point (not very eloquently but I think it's important).

Going to make some adjustments to this site soon I think.

Ram

I have a problem. Well, not so much a problem as a bad habit. I'm not sure how to classify it so I'll just be as clear as I can.

I have difficulty believing it when Girl's say they like me. That might sound wierd, or not important but when you consider that it's pretty much the SOLE reason why every prospect of my 'getting the girl' has either blown up in my face or I've crashed and burned like the Hindenburg disaster it becomes an issue for me.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not bewailing my lot in life. As Gunn put it, at least I've had the chance for shots at romance, love, etc. I might not have even had those. I am grateful, and I wouldn't change anything.

But why do I consistently fail with the opposite sex? I just don't believe them. My track record hasn't exactly been casanova-like but because these things don't happen to me that often, I usually deny they are happening at all. I create vast mythologies as to why a girl's behaviour towards me isn't affection but something else. Or that I'm delusional, or she is.

I spiral off into self-deprecation, convincing myself that I am a monster, a beast, undeserving of love and will be unable to find it. Yet it tries to find me.

I've broken up with girl's before now because their affection scares me. I think to myself.
"They can't like me as much as they say, they must not know me properly."

My last disaster was over the summer. A girl liked me but I didn't like her back (plus, being good friends I thought she was mistaking her need for a friend as affection, and my friendship and kindness as interest). Anyway, I couldn't think of a way to resolve it without hurting her so I had to hurt her in the end. That was a while ago and we're on better terms now (although I've been told she...well...'loves'...me).

Anyway, in the aftermath of this, while I felt like I was the worst person on the planet I got together with the girl of my dreams. Out of the blue! I didn't even know she liked me! I was on cloud 9 again.

BUT, typical of me, I blew it by starting to remember things she said differently, focusing on the negative, that she didn't really want a relationshup with me and so on. Then it came to it, a point in time; either we get together and make a go of it or we move on. All I had to do was be courageous, to be bold and daring. Instead I buckled like a belt and everything she said was like a dagger. Man, it hurt. She wanted me to be bold and say,

"Hell yeah, none of these 'bad things' matter to me. I think you're amazing! Let's make a go of it! You're worth the effort."

Did I say that though? Was I the hero I claim to be? Nope, I just listened to all the reasons why we shouldn't go out like a puppy being kicked. I added a few of my own, only because I was down.

Why did we make up excuses to break up when we weren't even going out?

I can only conclude it was because I didn't believe my luck, I didn't believe she'd ACTUALLY like me. So I took what my self-deprecating side wanted. All the reasons why it was a bad idea. The easy way out. It's easy to feel like a monster, to feel beaten down. It's easy to lose that shot. That's what I did. Now I just wish I'd tried harder.

I don't write this because I'm down about it, I just wanted to get it out there where I bear my soul. I wanted to examine it a little. I've admitted my problem and I just have to find a way to break this bad habit.

Suggestions on a postcard please.

Ram

It's been a looooong time since I've posted here and I'm guessing that most people will have stopped checking by now.

But I'm back in London now with regular access to a computer (plus a shiny new laptop at home). So I thought I'd crack the hardened shell of internet silence on the pasty like the proverbial chocolate on a magnum ice-cream and lick the ice cream inside my pysche once more.

To put it bluntly, I've been having yet another odd summer. They seem to be not the same long-days, endless sunny skies that they used to be. They are this marvelous interlude of melodrama which regular readers will no doubt remember that I occassionally champion.

To summarise: Shortly after I discovered I was Raphaelalam it was my birthday. This was a weekend where I was on cloud 9 for some time. It was awesome and makes me remember why I love my mates so damn much.

Then came a period of trying to find a summer job. Which was hard because I knew I should probably get one in London. But this upset me as London towards the end of my third year of university had become a place of stress. So eventually after much angst I got a job back home and for two months I was pretty happy. Heck, I still had to get up every morning but the people I worked with were so nice.

Then there was all the drama with the Ladies (never thinking myself a Ladies man, always the upright, proper gentleman instead). But I'm not sure I shall discuss that right away. I know, I know I bear my soul here but not right now.

Now I'm back in London, doing my Master's degree. It's going to kick ass and you can keep up with it all...if you're there, because I'm not writing EVERYTHING up here!

Stay cool and update you're blogs!

Ram.

Raphael So you need Healing (50%), Knowledge (80%), Inspiration (60%), and Strength (56%)?

Archangel Raphael is the Angel of intellect, creativity, healing, joy, courage and hope. This Angel will bring guidance and sustenance to anyone feeling lost, whether physically, emotionally or spiritually. He is called "The Illuminator," because he provides a "Torch of Angelic Light" to help humans light their way through life so they can more effectively avoid hurdles, overcome challenges with less effort, and see the opportunities and spiritual rewards that lay ahead. He encourages self-motivation in becoming who we’re meant to be, and reminds us to seek truth in all we say and do. As we light our way into the future, a sense of courage will naturally come to us. Students as well as teachers are in good hands if Raphael is watching over them. He inspires a heightened creative visualization and allows us to better focus on a particular activity to achieve a specific goal. Raphael is the Patron Angel of doctors, scientists, writers, and anyone working in the field of endeavour in the liberal arts or sciences. Being the leader of the Angels of Healing, Raphael offers cure of all kinds for humans, animals, and nature. He is a protector of children, and that goes for your inner child, too. He teaches us to laugh easily, and to enjoy life. Raphael is said to be the friendliest and funniest of all the Angels. A Bit of Trivia: Raphael is one of the four greatest Archangels, the other three being Michael, Gabriel, and Uriel. His symbols are the healing hands and the Caduceus, a winged staff intertwined with two snakes, which can be seen on the signs of pharmacies and hospitals. He is the Angel of Mercury, and thus the ruler of Wednesday, the day of learning and travelling. He corresponds with the Wind signs, Aquarius, Gemini, and Libra. Raphael can be seen on the Tarot card Key 6 – the Lovers, which symbolizes our three layers of consciousness, with the man being the conscious, the woman being the sub-conscious, and the angel being the super-conscious. Jophiel - Michael - Israfel - Raziel - Ariel - Uriel - Gabriel - Raphael - Zadkiel - Jeremiel

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 67% on Healing You scored higher than 85% on Knowledge You scored higher than 67% on Inspiration You scored higher than 62% on Strength

Link: The Angel Test written by Nitsuki on Ok Cupid

Raphaelalam!
He he. Angels are cool.

I tried writing something profound in my diary last night but nothing really came through. I'm reasonably content in my place at the moment. Which is good. I feel a great compassion for all beings, especially the little ones that people generally tend to swat or stamp on.

The only trouble is, love and grief are unhappy pals. I must learn that things are fleeting as well as being wonderful. That the snail I don't crush probably got run over after I turned the corner or the fly that I saved yesterday probably only lived for a day anyway. But at least he didn't die indoors :)

I suppose I need to meditate on such an issue more. It's funny isn't it, that I find compassion to be 'easier' than understanding the frailty of life which perhaps someone else, also seeking enlightenment might suffer the opposite.

Such is life I suppose :)

Not to be beaten by a guy STILL with a halberd up his ass I am going to update :)

As usual I should be doing something else. Looking for a job/house/meaning to my life/girlfriend. But hey, I felt I should enlighten you all somewhat into my life again.

I'm not sure I'm in the mood to bear my soul right now, but I promised I would when I wrote here so I guess I should stick to my beliefs.

But I don't really have time to delve deep or write a rant. Maybe I will tommorrow.

I am okay, just struggling with my current tasks of getting a job and finding somewhere to live. I guess I should get off the computer and actually try some more.

Ramalam.

"The measure of a country's greatness should be based on how well it cares for its most vulnerable populations."
Mahatma Gandhi

There are several things I'm going to say today.

1)To all my friends and family I love you all with every breath I can.

2)I've posted a new rant on Ramrage. Please read it :)

3)I get my Degree results tommorrow. That's pretty scary I'll admit.

4) What scares me more though is getting a job and finding somewhere new to live. Another house is sorted easily enough, a new job I can get but it's the time it takes. I'm running low on money and I'm scared. Really scared. I'm away from my family and true friends again and I'm going to have to be for some time if I'm going to keep a job and pay the rent, etc. I feel sick in my stomach when I think of it. I admit that I am afraid. Not as afraid as I have been previously, but more of a feeling of being alone. Scared and alone, a deadly combination :)

And another quote to end on.

Ram.

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."
Mahatma Gandhi

I'm Ram-a-lam,
I'm havin' such a good time, I'm havin' a ball,
I'm Ram-a-lam,
If ya wanna have a good time, just give me a caaaall!

I'm,

Ram

a

Lam

I'm Ram-a-lam,

I don't wanna stop at all!!!

I'm at Shanks and Gunn's, I'm a archaeologist.
I'm outta control,
I'm a Ramalam ready to Shazam!
Like an atom bomb
I'm gonna hang, out, with, Estaban!
Ra burning through the sky, yeah!
The crew rock so hard, that's why they call us the Seabitch!
We go faster than any other ships!

So I'm Ram-a-lam
I'm havin' a good time
I'm Ram-a-lam
I'm having a good time, I don't wanna stop at ALLLLLL!!

Na na na na na, na na na (fade out)

(Ahem)
WHAT a weekend! I don't have the time and space to go into the details but suffice to say it was the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!

Not only that but my friends are possibly the coolest, kindest, most wonderful people I have ever known. They have made me so happy after I've been pretty down in a while. God I am so lucky, just to even know them.

I had to fight the zombie versions of my mates with 3 mates as my team of Blackie, Bluey, Greenie and Chicken (Ask me some other time). Fantastic.

It's so humbling when people do something for you that you never expected, but that you just love! I mean, there was a time when I was younger that I wanted people to prepare a suprise for me but it never happened. Then I've also done suprise things for other mates but for it to happen to me is phenomenal! God I love them so much!

Only days before had I written in my diary about how much I missed them and how I wanted to see them and hang out. But also how I wanted to 'pay them back' for being so cool.

Unfortunately I had phoned Russ a few days before and said how I was Sc*m (I'm not allowed to call myself that anymore) and how I wanted to call the party off. Mainly because I hate myself and I felt that no one should glorify me. Mainly because I promised myself I'd make it up to them and I (Still) haven't.

So that is but a piece of how much it means to me. I means a WHOLE LOT! The words aren't enough maybe. I don't know if I can express it. There we go.

But it's almost all my dreams come true. Damn they are wonderful!

Ram.

Todays random quiz thing...

You Are A Loyal Sidekick

While you aren't the most visable one in your group... You're always up for a good time or conversation And you stick with your friends no matter what You may feel underappreciated - but it only seems that way!

What Kind of Friend Are You?

That's about what I expected. Heck, that's basically what these quizzes boil down to isn't it?

I don't have a lot to say really. The most important point of today is covering in a rant on my other blog.

Anyway, am going to head home now to do some revision! In a way however I am glad that I haven't finished yet. Somehow the year wouldn't be complete without some exams at the end. Some of my mates have finished already and are living it up, drunk and free :) I'm happy for them but deep down I like to have work on. Just not scary looming deadlines for work I don't want to do! I suppose the ideal job is one you love and I would say that I am happy with Egyptology. It's goodthings more than make up for the bad :)

Stay cool,

Ram.

You Are a Pundit Blogger!

Your blog is smart, insightful, and always a quality read. Truly appreciated by many, surpassed by only a few.

What kind of blogger are you?

So I'm nearly free. I've handed in my dissertation and my last essay of my undergraduate degree! Only two exams stand between me and freedom.

Some of my friends have already finished and are currently in the state of 'What am I to do with my life now?' Which I admit will be very scary when it happens to me!

But I have prospects. I may get the job of being the Buildings archaeologist on a mates project and may even appear on Time Team (Ram has sold out!). From there I need to get a job over the summer by thankfully it won't be full time. Then when I'm a master I can stay in the field. Which, I think we all agree will be awesome!

But I can't relax just yet. I have to keep going for a little bit longer. The when its over I can chill. Emaho!

Take care and I'll see you soon.

Ram.

R	Rare
A	Astounding
M	Misunderstood
A	Accurate
L	Lovable
A	Astonishing
M	Mesmerizing

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

I am so close to the end of my dissertation you wouldn't believe! 1 more day of work I think will finally finish it off and then I can get it bound.

Wierdly enough, at this stage revision looks godd because it's something ELSE to think about! Very wierd.

Well, I'm pretty tired so I am about to head home. I will give a proper update when I have something worth updating about.

Oh, the uni has given me a conditionaly offer to study a MA in Egyptian Archaeology. Rock on!

Ram.

In an effort to spare you my whining, paranoid and annoying views on the upcoming election and other rants I have placed my views where I rant. Read if you are interested in saving our country from mad men.

My dissertation is almost finished. But having to organise all the photographs and figures is a nightmare and takes far longer than you would expect it to.

*sigh*

But its better than a day job :)

I've just added a link to my brothers blog 'The Circus' under the links. I think it shows promise in the sense that it is interesting. He says all of the blogging cohorts are welcome to read it as he tends to read all of ours as well!

Blog on...

> WARNING

ramalam is radioactive. Wear protective clothing at all times.

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

I'm pretty sure that all my blogging cohorts are very busy at the moment. Too busy to either post or read my blog so it doesn't really matter what I say here to be honest. But they'll probably read it again when they've got the time I know!

I have four major concerns at the moment.
1) My dissertation. Thankfully my year long pace has meant that I am in a reasonable place to finish my dissertation. I would say that (while it will take a considerable amount of work) I will be able to comfortably finish on time and it won't be the biggest pile of junk ever. Although my paranoia speaks otherwise.

2) My exams. My dissertation takes up a lot of my time and so I haven't started revising yet. I do however only have two examns which I shall revise heavily for between now and then.

3) My last essay. I still have a 2200 word essay due on top of my dissertation. I'm going to get some books out for it in a second.

4)Money. Money is getting tight now. I need to get the money back I spent on the Student Nationals from ULU but I'm paranoid that they won't give me it all back. I need that money to pay the rent. My overdraft seems to fly up and down but I think it has stablised now. At least at the end of this month I get another loan which will save me. (Even though I shall have to start paying it back when I leave uni. I must get a job this summer).

So you see there is little zen in Ram at the moment. My friends aren't having a good time either, they know who they are so I don't feel the need to reiterate here.

Some days I find it difficult to stay positive. I nearly cried this morning for no reason at all. This stress is finally getting to me I think. I just can't break now when I'm so close to the end. You know I'm not going to give up on myself, or any of you for that matter but I just might not be myself for a while.

But I know that this time next month all the things above will be over and done with. 1 month left and then I'll be free. I've just got to hold it all together until then.

Ram.

TURNED INTO AN ESSAY...

Over on Livejournal one of my friends Tom wrote about how blogs and the like (because of their place on the net and the anonymity of those who write upon them) has given everyone the opportunity to allow their voice to be heard by a potentially wider audience.

The result of this is ranting. Of which I admit I am guilty but I at least put a disclaimer at the end of most of my rants explaining how I am often not in possession of all the facts and so all of the above was just my opinion. But ranting seems to be the result of blogs and online journals in general.

Here on 'The Pasty' I don't have a comments function so I don't know what people think of my life (as depicted here). But over on Livejournal people can comment on you posts. Which creates not only a community but a sense of 'self editing'. Not taht self editing is a bad thing in itself but it still creates an image of 'the self' and yet another mask we put on to influence the way people see us. Only this one is in the text of a screen.

In the Buddhist sense of the word this can only be a bad thing. In the abstract world of the computer barriers become raised. Not only are these text-based essays a poor form to communicate (unable to hear the intenations in people's voices nor their eyes or hand gestures, etc which I am sorry but cannot be made up for in 'smileys') but there is another 'voice' which we speak through. Our blogging voice.

Now, I talk about 'the truth', I talk about their being no aspect of my soul unplundered and revealed on this blog (given time, Ram is a deep person ;)) but am I not merely deluding you all with yet another voice? I think my other blog is a case in point. It is true that I beleive the things I say on that blog and will fight the fight but it is essentially a rant page.

So, as always, what is my solution? Well, as always this solution will apply to me and I do not expect anyone else to follow it. Besides, we all wear masks, in various different situations anyway, why should the computer be any different?

But I think for me the solution is merely to be honest and so that is what I shall be on this blog at least. I started this blog so that I could
A) Keep people up to date on my life if they haven't seen me
B) To let people know about the 'real' Ram. In terms of my life, my thoughts, etc.

In general this blog is a sourcebook for Ram. I shall endeavour to be honest in all I do as always and strive to be the best Ram I can be. This is where there is more, more information, more background, perhaps more explaination as to who I am.

I hope John appreciates that uber-update! Now I'd better do some work.

Ram.

LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:	ramalam
Your haiku:	within the social circles i keep on the roof of the us that was one
Username:
Created by Grahame

Well, my weekend of relaxation is now over. Nothing between me and my dissertation, last essay and exams now. I thought about writing a long version of the weekend here but those who it really affects were there.

Put simply, the weekend, especially friday was great and reminds me of how cool some of my mates really are. And of how much they mean to me.

LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:	ramalam
Your haiku:	the accepting friends yet take hours of abuse from the ridiculous
Username:
Created by Grahame

Just as I was thinking about retiring as a 'Post-modern knight' I did a quiz...

The Lord You scored 21% Cardinal, 51% Monk, 50% Lady, and 59% Knight!

You are of the intellectual breed and yet you are also very interested in war. You are of the aristocracy and head the cavalry a safe distance from the carnage of the front lines. You believe in defeating your enemy with not only might, but also wit. You scored high as both the Monk and the Knight. You can try again to get a more precise description of either the Monk or the Knight, or you can be happy that you're an individual.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 13% on Cardinal You scored higher than 73% on Monk You scored higher than 80% on Lady You scored higher than 73% on Knight

Link: The Who Would You Be in 1400 AD Test written by KnightlyKnave on Ok Cupid

It is perhaps difficult to reconcile both my yearning for a release from conformity and the fact that my life is based highly in a moral code of ethics and of honour. I suppose many might see me as a hypocrite, so I thought it best to explain the rationale behind why I do the things I do.

But another posting might be required for that...

Never forget, Ram is there for you all.

Ram.

You Are Not Scary

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

How scary are you?

Man, that essay was a killer. My mind feels numb now. I might go and treat myself to a coffee and a comic I think. Then chill for the rest of the day before doing it all again tommorrow. Only one lecture left of my undergraduate degree and two essays (1 due in tommorrow).

I can't wait for this weekend though. Should be pretty awesome. I've promised myself I'll take a couple of days off to relax as the Institute is closed for Easter weekend.

Anyway, going to go out into the sunshine for a bit before I head home.

Stay cool.

Official Survivor Congratulations! You scored 69%!

Whether through ferocity or quickness, you made it out. You made the right choice most of the time, but you probably screwed up somewhere. Nobody's perfect, at least you're alive.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 55% on survivalpoints

Link: The Zombie Scenario Survivor Test written by ci8db4uok on Ok Cupid

Just call me Reddie :)

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KNOWING THE PATH, AND WALKING THE PATH...

I was reading my little book about the Dhamma on my way to university today and there was a page in it which hit home. This is the wonderful thing about the Dhamma, you can learn the basic concepts in a short space of time but every so often a new concept blows up your view and you see with clarity for a few moments at least.

My last post, the attitude expressed in the majority of it is now being swept away. I hope for the best.

The page spoke of how people get trapped on their path to enlightenment by an image of what they think it means to be a yogi or a meditator or a spiritual person, creating for themselves a struggle to live up to a certain preconcieved way of behaviour. I have been judging myself against some God-like figure. A spiritual master who walks with the grace of angels and sees with unswerving clarity. A man who can aid everyone, no matter what their problem is and who always knows what to say.

Who could possibly live up to that? Not I, and I shouldn't have even been trying. Yet again I come back to thoughts that the true friends I have accept me as I am. They don't want me to be their saint or saviour, they just want me to be their friend. How glorious is that!?! :)

Of course, in a way this doesn't change much, I will still try to better myself, I still care about my friends, more than they perhaps know and I will still fight to better the world. The difference is in my mind and as buddha says:

"We are what we think,
With our thoughts we shape the world."

It seems at the moment we are walking our own paths, John, Chris, Matt, Russ, Ryan and I. As if we have to face our own problems at the moment and overcome them. But as Matt put so well on his blog. We are also a 'support crew' for one another. I like that term.

Ram.

THE REST IS SILENCE...

Put up the address to Matt's blog on the sidebar. Glad to have more in the 'blogging fold' as it were. Except the cheeky monkey started it up in September and didn't tell me! Never mind :)

Ram is in an odd state at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I had an awesome weekend, but there is obviously some bad news within it. I don't really need, or feel I should go into it here but it's the kind of news that puts everything into perspective again.

But, rather than filling me with all sorts of 'Carpe diem' thoughts I feel more like a robot. Like I don't have the courage or the strength to pursue my convictions. What is scary about that is right now I don't think I'd mind if I just faded out of existence for a bit.

I don't think I've successfully helped anyone in any major way over the last six months. I don't think I've been there for people when they needed me, given any sage-like or even, 'good friend' advice. I've been very selfish and hoped that whatever rougish charm I've developed would smooth over any acts of selfishness. Then all this stuff happens recently and yet again I am powerless to prevent it, or even to see with diamond-like vision enough to know what to do or say. Maybe I never will.

The end of another chapter in my life looms ever closer with each day, except instead of reving myself up to take on lifes challenges I'm tied down by academia. I have to keep my head down and work (which I should be doing now, come to think of it). I know there is a lot out there. A heck of a lot and nothing would please me more than to go and seek it, with the people that I love.

But such thoughts seem naive to me now. Have I grown old? Have I lost that which I have struggled so hard to keep? Have I become someone who I don't like again?

Maybe it's just the stress of work or something.

Jase gave me a necklace yesterday, it's the same design as the one he and Lex wear. But I don't think I deserve it.

But that's going to change. I've wallowed too long in this spiritual coma and now it's time to wake up again. I'm going to start afresh again. After all, the past and the future are merely thoughts inside my head. I can be the best Ram I can be.

So I will promise you, my dearest friends. My noble comrades, brothers and sisters.

Ram doesn't give up, he just takes breathers.
Then when the dust settles from all this hardship I see in our lives, we should all get together. I'll bring the ice cream :)

You scored as Peter Pan. Your alter ego is Peter Pan. You are a child at heart. Anything you believe is possible, and you never want to grow up. Peter Pan 100% Ariel 81% Goofy 75% The Beast 75% Sleeping Beauty 69% Pinocchio 56% Cinderella 44% Cruella De Ville 19% Donald Duck 6% Snow White 6% Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego? created with QuizFarm.com

I am Peter Pan! Also, you'll notice I am 75% 'The Beast' as I suspected all along...

Things are pretty good in Ram's world. Trying to keep on top of work and finally managing it!

Going home this weekend to cheer my mates up. They need me to nurture them :)

Here's a wierd piece of my life. Bailey and I refer to a group of our friends who LARP as 'the kiddies'. Why? I'm not sure, for me it has something to do with the fact that Bailey and I have gone to uni and they're all at home and working. It is odd that people like Russ (as I've mantioned before. But this isn't a slight on him and obviously a HUGE generalisation) seem to be at the stage I was at a few years ago only they're the same age as me!

Anyway, as Bailey (as a reaction to me I think), rather than actually being more hard-line takes a strong stance and I take a caring, understanding stance. I like the view that we are the 'devil and angel' upon each of our friends shoulders.

God, it's probably all one big metaphor for something!

I don't really want to go into it a great deal but suffice to say this is further proof towards the adage that the family of the 21st century is made up of friends and not relatives.

Anyway, seeing the kiddies this weekend which will be fun and to play FNH which it seems an age since I did last.

Rock on.

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

Not a lot of time to write as I'm about to do have another lecture and give a short presentation in it. I hate public speaking but as its only to a small group I'm hoping I'll be fine.

My life at the moment is one where I have so little time to do all the work I need to. The stress of that, plus I'm starting to worry both about my exams and the future. I mean, what happens if they don't let me return to do my Masters? I will literally be catapulted out into the real world where I shall have to fend for myself.

Archaeology is a cool subject but will I be able to make it in the real world as a career? There is so much I want to do in the world so perhaps the kick up the backside of leaving University may get me to wake up and start doing them.

Best I don't speak about the Ladies right now, things are interesting, if nothing else. But as I find myself often revealing my hopes and dreams on this blog only to have them smashed to pieces soon after I won't put them up just yet.

Anyway, will blog again when I have time.

Just put another semi-rant up on my rant page. But as you'll either read it or you won't it seems pointless to say I've posted up on it again.

This for Ram are pretty good considering the vast amount of work I have to do. I pretend to myself that I'm on top of it all.

Bob Marley 36-Lung cancer

As for girls. I don't think I should talk about it because I don't want to jinx it or get my or your hopes up. But if I could just get a 'high-5' off you next time I see you that would be very cool :)

Graham Chapman 48-Throat cancer

I still need to decide what I want to do for my birthday. Rob has his heart set on 'Amsterslam 2005' but I'm just not feeling it. A weekend watching other people get stoned, high and mental on drugs and alcohol isn't really my cup of tea. But what then? I want, nay I must see all my mates that week. But what to do...

Errol Flynn 50-heart attack

If I am successful in my Masters application then I plan to make this the best summer ever with many LARP events. The Maelstrom the weekend after my exams, the Heartland games the weekend after my birthday, Summerfest in August, hopefully some Shards in-between maybe.

Steve McQueen 50-Lung cancer

But for now I've got to go and do some work, to keep on top of things. Will update again soon :)

Peat Carrington ??-Lung cancer through passive smoking?

In order to hide the previous post from the world I've decided to update again.

Going round to Jeremy's tommorrow for band practice as Dan and I have written some songs. I'm hoping it will be the rock-fueled fest I know we are.

Sent off my Masters Application form today, I hope it goes through alright. It would be cool to spend another year or two in London as a Student :)

In other news I have been taking time off this afternoon due to the above taking it out of me and found pictures of my old friend Lauren on the Shards website. She's dressed as her Thoth-worshipping Egyptian type she told me about last summer. I hope she is cool, whatever she is up to. No doubt she is probably snowed under with work as I am. I'd like to catch up with her, maybe go to Shards (I plan to play all the major systems in the UK at least once, the list stands so far at:

1)Fools and heroes (I play there regularly)
2)The Lorien Trust (A huge system I've played once or twice)
3)Shards (My friends Lauren, Tart, Dave, Emma and John play this so I wouldn't be alone there :))
4) The Maelstrom (Planning to play this sometime after my exams with my mates from uni. Should be good fun as I've been offered a sweet postion within the command structure of our group. Or I could go hang out with my mates from the LT who also play)

(Boy, I had to write something ultimatley geeky to make sure no woman EVER finds me attractive again didn't I?)

There are various others I shall try at some point in the future as well. The real joy of these things is the friends you make from it. If you check out my friends page on my Livejournal, all those guys play the LT or some other form of roleplay. I'd like to think if I went to Shards and Maelstrom I'd forge stronger friendships with the people I went with and make a load of new friends along the way.

That is one of lifes real joys to me. Meeting new people and strengthening friendships that matter alongside that. :)

I am in a good mood today :)

Ram.

"It's not you it's the E talking,
Closing in on the translation
It's not you it's the E talking
I'm not sure what part I'm playing"
Soulwax 'E-Talking'

I was in the Union last night and who should be there but my ex girlfriend. It was awkward at first but managed to not be a major downer for the evening. We even smiled at each other and said hi which was nice. I think I treated her badly.

Anyway, so I'm standing there listening to my mates conversation when we get interupted by a familiar voice. One which I recognised. I turned and who was standing before me addressing nearly my entire peer group?

Grace Blake-Turner.

Now, long time readers of this blog may have heard me mention Grace before; a kind of gorgeous, tall as me phantom that swirls into my life with her long brown hair and red scarf every so often only to disappear again for a long period of time. In the past, times when I have seen her I have been afraid to speak to her due to the fact that...well she turned me down for a date. But in a nice way. I won't go into specifics but it wasn't in the usual 'I'd rather die' kind of way.

So anyway, there we are all listening to her explain that she is running for one of the sabbatical positions at the Union and how she hopes she could count on our votes.

At which point she turns to me, looks me right in the eye and says my name. I give her a nod and a wink. Amazing, that she remembers my name!

Now, I know someone will slap me down for this post but it was just a nice incident.

The main purpose of this topic was to make the following notices.
1) I'm giving up drinking for a while again. I need to go on detox after my recent wild nights. Plus it doesn't make me attractive to the opposite sex.
2) I've not been as chivalrous as I used to be. I am not sure why this is but I hope to rectify the situation.
3) SMOKING CAUSES DEATH. Just because I haven't been quite as vocal about this recently does not mean my stance has changed. It is a vile habit, stinky, polluting, cancerous, rubbish producing and a bane on society.

Ram.

You're Will Turner - Lovestruck swordsman, funky hat, too pretty by far. You're loyal, honest, courageous... and a pirate. Lucky Elizabeth.

Which POTC character are you?

this quiz was made by alanna

In an effort to save people from reading every RamRant (TM) I make about the evils of capitalism I have created a new blog where I fight such evils,

http:ramrage.blogspot.com

I'll have to give a proper update here when I have more time but I'm currently rushed off my feet with work!

Also, I've updated the links so they should work now. The world of Ram expands!

Stay cool!

Ram.

"If every child chased dreams of societal reorganisation
In place of sweet wrappers and escape,
Then we would see Mr Cadbury's enlightened industrialism
For what it really F**king is; social morphine
We'd have ourselves a pre-school army."

Million dead 'Charlie and the propaganda myth machine'

So I'm back to fight the good fight.

Found another site worth looking at.

www.mcspotlight.org

Lots of information about THAT company who we all know and love. They threaten legal action against anyone who bad mouths them. If I write something here there is always a chance they could accuse me of all sorts of things.

I can however, quote other people in the hope that the truth will grant you to make a descision using your free will,

"McDonald's and Burger King are two of the many US corporations using lethal poisons to destroy vast areas of Central American rainforest to create grazing pastures for cattle to be sent back to the States as burgers and pet food, and to provide fat-food packaging materials. (Don't be fooled by McDonald's saying they use recycled paper: only a tiny per cent of it is. The truth is it takes 800 square miles of forest just to keep them supplied with paper for one year. Tons of this end up litteing the cities of 'developed' countries.)"

From the 'What's wrong with McDonalds' leaflet published in 1986.

The site admits that there are worse companies than this one but it is a well known one which hopefully brings the struggle to a wider market. All these enemies must be faced in the battle to save the world.

As the site comments, it is pointless feeling guilty when you eat and see pictures of starving people in Africa. We must do something about it.

World against McDonalds day: 16th October every year.

But enough ranting, how is Ramalam?
Well, I'm good, better than I was. Got into a funk since I've been back but I'm okay now. Got lots of work to do still but I can handle it.

Ram.
(Changed my name on this site to Ramalam as well in keeping with my Livejournal. It's kind of an internet and real life name. Feel free to still call me Peat but Ramalam represents much more, chivalry, the struggle I write about here and the new, improved me)

"I wish I could get my head out of the sand,
Because I think we make a good team,
And you keep my fingernails clean,
But that's just a stupid that I won't realise
Because I can't even look in your eyes,
I ain't shakin' and I ain't bakin'
I'll bring home the turkey if you'll bring home the bacon!"

Weezer 'el scorcho'

So a new year has dawned and my blog is still here. As am I :)

Just spent three weeks in Egypt, followed by one week back in England (they were quite the opposite, my one week in England was almost as bad as Egypt was good). But enough about that!

Egypt was awesome, so awesome and I felt so good there all the time. Just content and everything is just beautiful and warm. The lifestyle has a different pace (at least out of Cairo) and I just feel...good when I'm there. Kind of content I guess. This time I was suprised at how prepared I was for dealing with arabs, haggling, the sites and sounds, the sand (it gets everywhere!).

Ryan said to me when I got back:
"It's good to see you smiling".

I though about this, 'surely I have smiled before' I asked myself. But not recently I don't think. Those ironic smiles where things are funny but only in an ironic way. When there is nothing else to do but laugh (chuckles). I laughed properly, heartily when I was there. Now, not really, I might do tonight. A chuckle here and there but as most jokes are at my expense it becomes harder to laugh at them.

But let us not get bogged down in my own thoughts. Peat/Ram is back baby and should you need me you know where to find me.

Peat.