CONFESSIONS OF A RAMALAM
(Or how I learnt to dismantle myself)
Sooner or later you will see this title appear in one of my blogs. Dread that day my friends because it will be the end of something. Perhaps of my illusion that all my concern for the world was actually just an act and my nice-guy persona shatters like a cheap christmas bauble.
Or perhaps it will mean the end of friendships. I don't know.
Maybe I should get it over with.
Confessions:
THE BAD
1. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Be so concerned about doing the right thing that you doubt everything. Be so fixated upon how to not hurt or offend someone that you have to question everything you do. This comes to something more than just paranoia when someone says something about you enough times you start to believe it yourself. Then you have to ask your mates whether it is true.
Be so afraid that you have the mates you have for a reasons other than friendship. For some hidious reason like 'to make yourself feel better'. Is that why I champion chivalry and being nice? To make myself feel better? Be afraid that your friends will dislike you for being you.
Be afraid that your parents love your brother more. Be afraid that you are drifting from your family.
Arrogance is something I cannot abide, so my other worst nightmare is that I am already arrogant. I seem to see evidence everywhere.
Be afraid of your lack of commitment to anything. Work, girls, goals, the world. I talk big but what do I actually DO about it?
THE GOOD
That maybe the above isn't true. Maybe these are just the fears that keep me from really becoming arrogant and evil. I do what I can, when I can. Maybe that is all I can do. Friends, true friends have seen deeper into you than you know. Whatever you might think they ARE your friends.
As Eddie Izzard said, "Blood is thicker than water, but milk is thicker than blood..." *Quizzical expression*. I don't think I could drift from my brother or my Mum and Dad.
And I realise that the above doesn't really matter. It's all in my head, if I just sat down calmly and meditated these fears just wash away, I would see them for what they really are...
Clouds in the sky. Fish, thrashing around on a beach, they flicker and flash and fade. The crumble to dust and are blown away.
I bid you welcome, Zenalam.
Ram.
That wasn't as bad as I thought.