The Realisation Report

Part of my quest for enlightenment is to face the person that I really am. Lama Surya Das was asked when he returned to the United States after being in Nepal and Tibet for years (he was born a New York Jew);
"What have you learnt from your studies?"
Lama Surya Das answered spontaneously

"I am not who I think I am."

Within that is the essence of facing up to who I am. I tell myself I am a certain way all the time, everyday. I lead a thousand fantasy lives in my brain but not of those is the real me.

I think I heard on the television recently someone say, 'you can travel all over the world, but unless you have journeyed inside yourself, you haven't been anywhere." I could loook for myself all over the globe, even into space, but the fact remains I WAS HERE ALL ALONG.

So, in this vein I have learnt some new things about myself. These things are not easy for me to face sometimes but in other places I have found things I am proud of.

I get easly depressed about money, especially about not having enough. Not that I am greedy but a new bill will bring me right now and cast a gloomy eye over everything else. I convinced myself that I didn't deserve Jo because I was down about money the other day.

I have found where my courage is. I have found that there are some things that I won't compromise on.

There are ingrained habits I have. I blame myself for a lot of things that aren't my fault. I can't take compliments very easily. I can't take criticism most of the time. I like to talk about myself most of the time.

I like getting drunk. I don't think I am an alcoholic, but I certainly like being drunk. It loosens my tongue. This is not a good thing.

A knowledge of London is important to me. Feeling knowledgable about things I SHOULD be knowledgable about is very important to me. When I can't answered people's questions I feel bad. However I am not afraid to admit I do not know something.

Part of my would like to be a guru that others turn to in times of worry. But I am realistic that because of the above I VERY RARELY know what to say and have the answers.

I relentlessly quote things. Referential honour seems to bring me joy. But at the same time I worry this does not make me witty at all.

When life is happening, I am often somewhere else.

I really do love my family, friends and Jo.

Ram