I

felt

cold

at first.

It was like my heart had been drenched in ice cold water. It dripped down into my stomach. I walked away from the house with this ice packed soul within me. I couldn't face going home so I walked up the track to the 'railway gardens' on Green lanes. I needed a walk, I needed to clear my head. I needed trees and grass and solitude. I turned the corner and walked past the hut where the grounds keeper worked.

"Sorry, I'm about to close the gates," he said as he stepped out.
"That's okay," I said faking a smile, perhaps I was a bit amused by the situation, "I'll head back out."

Back on Green Lanes I walked home, ate a lot of chocolate, watched Futurama, went round my mates house. All the while my heart beating with pain I laughed and joked. Maybe I forgot what was hurting me for a moment or two.

I can't sleep properly these days. Can't seem to stop thinking about her.

Ironically enough, the bass guitar she gave me is the only thing which can actually quieten my mind and make me relax. It's theraputic. But then I think of her who gave me this axe and get hit in the chest again.

I don't know what hurts more; my broken heart, the sense that she actually does feel for me but she denies it or the fact that the people who told me to give up are laughing at my right now.

Yeah, I was wrong. I was wrong. You were right. I'm always wrong and you were right and yeah I got hurt again.

But this time it's different. This time it really, really hurts.

I don't know if I should give up or fight for her. I think she's worth fighting for and that I could maybe save her. From herself. That she fears the unknown and so has gone back to HIM, als0 denying her feelings for me which I KNOW she has. I could persue her, show my devotion like the post-modern knight I am. Free her from her fears. I have enough courage for both of us because I believe it is worth fighting for. That she is worth the chance.

Or do I just THINK she has feelings for me? Or do I just think too much? Shall I just return to the dark, never again to rear my monstrous visage into the light? Shall I take this freezing, bleeding heart and lock it up again? Put it back in it's forbidden cage and throw away the key.

Not sure I should post any of this as everyone else seems to be on the upswing. Bailey's new girlfriend for one (you dawg you! :) ). Maybe it isn't over either and it's too soon to tell.

But here is where I bear my soul and if you've read it then you know my heart right now at this moment.

To misquote Futurama:
"You read it, you can't unread it!"

Peat.